The Cruelty of God
I have no idea how to get what I need. I'm told it's the hardest thing on earth to find, but that doesn't make me need it less. And there is no substitute for it. Going without it makes me wish each day were my last, but god hasn't been kind enough to take me out of this hell yet. I need a caregiver/lover/best friend living with me taking care of me. That can't be bought, bargained for, earned, built... it can only be found by luck. Each day that goes by without it I pray will be my last. But god doesn't care. God has allowed me to go without what I need for almost 50 years, the cruelty of that fact is staggering.
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Wow, I ended up in a psych ward after spending a week begging God to kill me - 10 days - I\'m still here - but though I find God frustrating - and I am frustrated - I am still here and you are still here - and I am glad you are still here - I think God is glad you are still here too. I am sorry for your suffering - most people with our conditions had weird - harsh - senseless childhoods - I was belittled by my own father so much - later I would become a chanting - lock myself in the dark bathroom - self mutilator - I used my fist and beat myself - hoping to not get caught - I lied my way out of getting caught -back then - i searched on the net for the cure - all I found was the definition of the illness - not a cure -
I quit self mutilating and though I struggle with dark thoughts - wishing for death - and other problems - like OCD - like I needed that OCD, too???? Perfectionism too????
Fear of socialization and willful isolation - many things - many things - where to start - work on which one first?
Okay, it\'s me again Heretic. Ii hope you don\'t mind all of these notes I\'m sending you. I am reading some of your journal entries and I\'m just floored at how much I can relate to you and to what you are going through.
I can remember the days when I knew that God hated me and the proof was that he wouldn\'t just let me die. I\'m so glad those days are behind me although I still have severe depression, can\'t work, and other stuff. Have your meds. been stabilized? For me the meds are absolutely crucial. Without them I am worse than dead. Please talk to your doctor and see if you need a change, an increase, or something. Please don\'t forget that you\'re not alone. I\'m glad that you\'re journaling. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}