The Cruelty of God

I have no idea how to get what I need. I'm told it's the hardest thing on earth to find, but that doesn't make me need it less. And there is no substitute for it. Going without it makes me wish each day were my last, but god hasn't been kind enough to take me out of this hell yet. I need a caregiver/lover/best friend living with me taking care of me. That can't be bought, bargained for, earned, built... it can only be found by luck. Each day that goes by without it I pray will be my last. But god doesn't care. God has allowed me to go without what I need for almost 50 years, the cruelty of that fact is staggering.