The Courage to Be Seen 2 - PTSD

I took two weeks off of work.  October is my favorite month.  I wanted to enjoy - no - savor it.

Somethings went really well.  I got to a meeting almost every day.  That helped because normally when I have idle time, I drink or get caught up in something dumb. Or I just do mindless, busy work.  And I really didn't want to do that this time.

The downside -- I thought my STBX and I could finally sit down, unscrew our lives long enough to benefit the kids.  As if by clockwork, another crisis generated from her corner that completely upended the house.  Literally... clothes, bed, boxes, papers, everything in piles all over the freaking house.

(A typical snapshot of these 10 years of marriage?  I woke up yesterday at 4:30am for work. 5:30 hour commute.  6:30-2:30pm work in a stressful industry.  2:30pm hour commute home.  4:00pm to 12am.  Cleaning the house alone.  Today I call to ask how things are going and get attitude because I didn't clean properly.  The beauty of this divorce is that some day, another woman who appreciates a hard-working, dependable man is going to be in heaven with how I appreciate her.  But I have a lot of work to do before that point.  Right now I'm pretty fed up with being a doormat.  One of many contributing factors to this impending split.)

I was so incredibly agitated.  I really thought about heading straight back to work.  But the kids were enjoying my presence so much. I meditated as if oxygen were my life support.  In the end, I handled it well.  Patience... patience... patience... patience.  I have never had to be so patient in my entire life.  I understand it took years for my life to get this way. 

I also understood that I could protect the little bit of happiness and peace that I have accrued in the last month.  I wanted to drink so bad.  I couldn't believe the mess I was looking at.  But I knew I could get to work and that lashing out would only make things much worse.  (I really married a crazymaker.  But at the time, maybe 10 years ago, fresh from Iraq, I was crazy too.)

Later in the week, I got books on addiction and read those.  Then I decided to go for some hikes for fresh air. 

Hiking and the outdoors used to be such a vital part of me.  Somehow, in the last 10 years of marriage and kids, I completely got away from that.  The pleasure of the outdoors made me think what else had I been denying myself.  Simple things.  Little things that I wished to explore that I put off for years.

After a few days of rekindling my curiousity, I discovered a lot of neat little things right under my nose that I had been speeding past for many years.

But about PTSD - 

The meetings are helping me learn to be calm in a group of strangers.  I haven't had this problem at work.  Actually, at work I've always been the quiet guy.  Maybe it was so no one would bother me.  In meetings I found my heart racing and breathing shallowing.  I have a lot of emotions that I think stem from my traumatic religious past.  But after awhile, I began to get adjusted, and I began to share.  Everyone was very nice.

The other idea came to me.  They have this 90 meetings in 90 days thing that they recommend. 

One of the common behaviors of PTSD (from what I've read) is isolation. 

I have really been isolating myself from people for over a decade.  There were a handful of friends who penetrated my defence.  But for the most part, I rarely hung out, and I rarely got together with people just to enjoy their company. 

Maybe part of that isolation also stemmed from my fear of drinking too much.  But I think, for the first time in my life, I finally have a toolkit to manage not drinking in social settings.  I want to stay sober.  I can bear with the pain in my head.  And actually, when I'm enjoying the company of friends who help me laugh and smile, that pain diminishes a lot.  That was all drinking was for me at the end.  Anything to make the recursive thinking and searing feelings to stop.  I wanted to get to as close to oblivion without dying.  And I came close to a number of times.  I cannot do that anymore. 

So... is there such a thing as 90 friends in 90 days, I wondered?

I started making lunch dates, meetings, and connections with friends and colleagues.  Real meetings in person, not pecking at them through social media.  I probably can't get to 90 friends in 90 days.  Especially with my work.  But I am seeing the value of getting out of my own head.

For the last ten years since Iraq (and maybe even my whole life), being in my head and myself was essential for survival.  Yet another big reason for why I would drink.

But there is a world out there.  Deep down I love that world.  I am being reminded that there are other people going through bullshit and finding hope, and reasons to smile.  They are happy despite life's problems.  That is something that can't be faked.

I decided I could postpone my own thoughts (that hound me day and night) for just an hour or two in the presence of other people who I actually enjoy.

This realization is so different than anything I ever expected from this year.  Therapy is helping a lot too.  I bought this book on called The Work, which I heard a lot about.  The Steps... all these things, I understand point towards the same thing.  Challenging what I think to be true and letting go what I can, as I can.

It's starting to feel good, to know that I do not have to be perfect anymore.  I don't have to fix everything... and I can't.  Just maybe, I can relax this mind, a little at a time... and let things go.

If you knew what hell my mind was in not long ago, you'd know what a miracle this...