The consumption of secrets
So a random thought popped into my head, one I feel the need to let out. It has been bothering me for a few months now, and well, this seems the best avenue for me to let out my randomness. Secrets. Why do we humans have so many? Why must I have them?
I've realized over the course of this separation, which is almost 8 months come the 12th, that there are so many dark things inside me, so many secrets, that I have buried, that I haven't even realized. Things I secretly enjoy, things I secretly want to do, stuff that if anyone close to me really knew would cause them to shun me. I know I'm a strange person to begin with, one that honestly is hard to sort out and place. But I find the more I self explore myself, the more I look within, the more things I find buried.
As I've come to realize the last couple months, finding a woman for me is going to be like winning the lottery. I have so many desires that I want to share with a woman, so many weird oddities that I enjoy that I would hope they do, that finding this might be a challenge. I've come to the conclusion that I don't wish to deny myself the things I love, whether they be secret or not, but I haven't come to the point where I don't care about sharing them.
I'm so worried of being judged. Honestly, I'm more worried of losing my friends, and family, due to things that I keep hidden. I honestly don't trust anyone enough to share them with, and I worry that because they are so secretive, that they are a poison pill to any relationship. How do you find someone compatible to you, while not being considered a freak of nature? I often ponder this, and other things.
What's more, to be truthfully honest, is why I feel the need to be so secretive about my desires and wants and wishes out of life. Anything that is out of the ordinary, I keep it to myself, out of fear. How does one overcome such fears I wonder. Moreover, how does one cope with their life being something different then they want?
I am not happy with my life right now. I'm not sure I am ever going to be at this point. Ever feel like you are trapped between a pool of sharks and a sheet of spikes below you. Your on the ledge, with only 2 ways to go. It is how I feel. Part of it being secrets, part of it just being the overview of my life, and the direction it is going.
I've come to the realization, that unless I move to a poor state, I don't think I can move out of my parents house. I feel trapped here, so very trapped. I have to deal with mood swings, chaos, anger at a drop of a hat, all because she is unhappy in her life. She takes it out on me, as if I did something wrong, when all I do is support her. I cook for her, I clean for her, I listen to her, hell I even do her laundry for her. What I get out of that is normally some comment about how she feels it isn't her house anymore.
But yet, if I stop doing that, then it is her complaining that nothing gets done, and that it is too much, and that she hates cooking, and cleaning, and laundry, and is all alone all the time. So for me, I'm stuck. I'm unhappy. But at the same time, my mother has rebuilt me. She has helped me along with everyone here and 2 of my friends with coping with the end of my marriage. She is the one who held me when I couldn't stop crying, she is the one who fought for me with the cops during the suicide attempt.
I don't want to lose her, nor do I want to lose my friends. While most of them aren't there for me in an emotionally available way, they do take my mind off these thoughts, they let me be me for the most part, and generally I have a great time when I am around them. They help make me feel alive, and feel like I belong, and for that I will always be grateful for. So deep down, I don't want to move away from all them again. My ex took me away from my family and friends, because of their power to make me happy. I would never want to leave that.
But at the same time, I have to be my own man again, even in my very limited capacity. I can't stand relying on my family for everything, whether it be shelter, food, heat, water, transportation, or electricity. It isn't fair for me to ask so much, but give so little in return. They both claim they don't care, but I do, for I feel and look like a complete mooch, and it bugs me. I've lived on my own with my ex for 10 years, and this is the first time I'm not on my own, and honestly I don't like it. It makes me so sad, and depressed sometimes, that I'm stuck where I am.
I can't afford housing in New Jersey. Public housing is a joke, as they won't even put me on the waiting list. Because it isn't an "emergency", they feel I don't need it. Because I've got a roof over my head, they refuse to let me be my own man. I've even lied to them, and told them I had like 3-6 months to sort out a place or I would be homeless, and they laughed at me and said well when your homeless contact us. Maybe in 6 months after that we can do something. I'm disabled with an auto-immune disorder for crying out loud. Being homeless would be the most likely death of me, and that is what I get.
I don't know where else to turn, and it is hard. I feel so unhappy, and trapped inside. I feel that the secrets that are inside me want so badly to come out, and I feel that until I can be me again, I am going to be this unhappy self. The solution to getting there, however, seems very distorted and non-existent. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know how to handle a conversation some days because of the distraction.
The last 2 weeks I was a complete hermit, because I was sick with the flu. What's worse, is that aside from one night, none of my friends called, none came to check up on me. Neither did my mother in fact. It was funny, I had to actually text her phone when she got home to make sure I even got something to eat. I was so sick, I couldn't get up the stairs. The kitchen and all the food is up there, so I felt so helpless again. I tried one day to get up there, and nearly killed myself falling down the stairs. But that doesn't matter to anyone, which is what frustrates me a little. There are times it feels like I'm not wanted here, but even to them I'm stuck here.
So what is one to do? Honestly, what can I do? I'm pretty smart, and have looked at everything that I can think of, and can't find a solution. Honestly, I feel so lost, and wish so desperately that there was someone here to hold my hand and guide me a little. I know that is a bad thing, but dealing with all this on my own is really hard. Why did my ex have to leave me in this mess. If not for her, I'd be happy out in Ohio, unaware of all these secrets I have, unaware of my own happiness, unaware of any desires other then to please her. Is it sad that in a dark and twisted way, I wish I was back there? At least there, I knew the rules, knew the lines not to cross, and had structure.
My life is just chaos now, and is something I am still struggling with really badly. My friends are there, but they don't replace the structure. They don't replace the shoulder to cry on, the person to ask for help, the compassion she sometimes showed me. Was I her slave, yes. Was I probably mentally and emotionally abused? Yes. Would I endure that again to feel safe and not so alone and trapped? Sadly I think yes is still the answer. I hope that one day, that yes turns to no. I hope that one day, all this work I'm doing to improve myself pays off. I hope, that one day, I can be myself, hiding nothing, and be accepted for who I really am. I hope, that one day, I'm finally happy with who I am as a person, and with the life I've made for myself. Will I get there eventually? Only time will tell.
I've realized over the course of this separation, which is almost 8 months come the 12th, that there are so many dark things inside me, so many secrets, that I have buried, that I haven't even realized. Things I secretly enjoy, things I secretly want to do, stuff that if anyone close to me really knew would cause them to shun me. I know I'm a strange person to begin with, one that honestly is hard to sort out and place. But I find the more I self explore myself, the more I look within, the more things I find buried.
As I've come to realize the last couple months, finding a woman for me is going to be like winning the lottery. I have so many desires that I want to share with a woman, so many weird oddities that I enjoy that I would hope they do, that finding this might be a challenge. I've come to the conclusion that I don't wish to deny myself the things I love, whether they be secret or not, but I haven't come to the point where I don't care about sharing them.
I'm so worried of being judged. Honestly, I'm more worried of losing my friends, and family, due to things that I keep hidden. I honestly don't trust anyone enough to share them with, and I worry that because they are so secretive, that they are a poison pill to any relationship. How do you find someone compatible to you, while not being considered a freak of nature? I often ponder this, and other things.
What's more, to be truthfully honest, is why I feel the need to be so secretive about my desires and wants and wishes out of life. Anything that is out of the ordinary, I keep it to myself, out of fear. How does one overcome such fears I wonder. Moreover, how does one cope with their life being something different then they want?
I am not happy with my life right now. I'm not sure I am ever going to be at this point. Ever feel like you are trapped between a pool of sharks and a sheet of spikes below you. Your on the ledge, with only 2 ways to go. It is how I feel. Part of it being secrets, part of it just being the overview of my life, and the direction it is going.
I've come to the realization, that unless I move to a poor state, I don't think I can move out of my parents house. I feel trapped here, so very trapped. I have to deal with mood swings, chaos, anger at a drop of a hat, all because she is unhappy in her life. She takes it out on me, as if I did something wrong, when all I do is support her. I cook for her, I clean for her, I listen to her, hell I even do her laundry for her. What I get out of that is normally some comment about how she feels it isn't her house anymore.
But yet, if I stop doing that, then it is her complaining that nothing gets done, and that it is too much, and that she hates cooking, and cleaning, and laundry, and is all alone all the time. So for me, I'm stuck. I'm unhappy. But at the same time, my mother has rebuilt me. She has helped me along with everyone here and 2 of my friends with coping with the end of my marriage. She is the one who held me when I couldn't stop crying, she is the one who fought for me with the cops during the suicide attempt.
I don't want to lose her, nor do I want to lose my friends. While most of them aren't there for me in an emotionally available way, they do take my mind off these thoughts, they let me be me for the most part, and generally I have a great time when I am around them. They help make me feel alive, and feel like I belong, and for that I will always be grateful for. So deep down, I don't want to move away from all them again. My ex took me away from my family and friends, because of their power to make me happy. I would never want to leave that.
But at the same time, I have to be my own man again, even in my very limited capacity. I can't stand relying on my family for everything, whether it be shelter, food, heat, water, transportation, or electricity. It isn't fair for me to ask so much, but give so little in return. They both claim they don't care, but I do, for I feel and look like a complete mooch, and it bugs me. I've lived on my own with my ex for 10 years, and this is the first time I'm not on my own, and honestly I don't like it. It makes me so sad, and depressed sometimes, that I'm stuck where I am.
I can't afford housing in New Jersey. Public housing is a joke, as they won't even put me on the waiting list. Because it isn't an "emergency", they feel I don't need it. Because I've got a roof over my head, they refuse to let me be my own man. I've even lied to them, and told them I had like 3-6 months to sort out a place or I would be homeless, and they laughed at me and said well when your homeless contact us. Maybe in 6 months after that we can do something. I'm disabled with an auto-immune disorder for crying out loud. Being homeless would be the most likely death of me, and that is what I get.
I don't know where else to turn, and it is hard. I feel so unhappy, and trapped inside. I feel that the secrets that are inside me want so badly to come out, and I feel that until I can be me again, I am going to be this unhappy self. The solution to getting there, however, seems very distorted and non-existent. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know how to handle a conversation some days because of the distraction.
The last 2 weeks I was a complete hermit, because I was sick with the flu. What's worse, is that aside from one night, none of my friends called, none came to check up on me. Neither did my mother in fact. It was funny, I had to actually text her phone when she got home to make sure I even got something to eat. I was so sick, I couldn't get up the stairs. The kitchen and all the food is up there, so I felt so helpless again. I tried one day to get up there, and nearly killed myself falling down the stairs. But that doesn't matter to anyone, which is what frustrates me a little. There are times it feels like I'm not wanted here, but even to them I'm stuck here.
So what is one to do? Honestly, what can I do? I'm pretty smart, and have looked at everything that I can think of, and can't find a solution. Honestly, I feel so lost, and wish so desperately that there was someone here to hold my hand and guide me a little. I know that is a bad thing, but dealing with all this on my own is really hard. Why did my ex have to leave me in this mess. If not for her, I'd be happy out in Ohio, unaware of all these secrets I have, unaware of my own happiness, unaware of any desires other then to please her. Is it sad that in a dark and twisted way, I wish I was back there? At least there, I knew the rules, knew the lines not to cross, and had structure.
My life is just chaos now, and is something I am still struggling with really badly. My friends are there, but they don't replace the structure. They don't replace the shoulder to cry on, the person to ask for help, the compassion she sometimes showed me. Was I her slave, yes. Was I probably mentally and emotionally abused? Yes. Would I endure that again to feel safe and not so alone and trapped? Sadly I think yes is still the answer. I hope that one day, that yes turns to no. I hope that one day, all this work I'm doing to improve myself pays off. I hope, that one day, I can be myself, hiding nothing, and be accepted for who I really am. I hope, that one day, I'm finally happy with who I am as a person, and with the life I've made for myself. Will I get there eventually? Only time will tell.
Replies
Thats the great positive about journaling.... I have learned so much about myself in the time ive been on DS.... you can be completely honest and open with all the hidden stuff that we keep locked up in the darkest places of our being. Most people here doing judge.... and even if some one does well its easy enough to just mute them and move on.
I dont share everything i keep hidden with my family either.... i struggle with mistrust of how others in my life would look at me or use the information to hurt me at a late time... and i think its ok to keep some things hidden from those that just could not understand the real me.
Now when it comes to considering a long term relationship it is alittle more difficult to consider not sharing the hidden desires. Those things can tend to eat away at you if your partner doesnt understand them which trust me leaves you sorta bitter feeling inside when you just cant get your own needs meet by that person. It sounds like with your EX situation you was numbing out your needs to just keep peace with the situation and keep her happy. That works for awhile but then what about you..... your wants and desires to feel fullfilled as a human? For me doing that has turned into a feeling of being stuck which just sucks in a relationship. Its best to look for someone that seems to have similar wants and needs as yourself then they dont think those things are odd when you do get to a point of feeling comfortable enough to share those things with them about yourself.
It has to be tough going back to live with family after the end of a relationship. I dont know if i could do it either without becoming depressed. I think that is what honestly keeps me suck in my rocky marriage the fear of all the unknowns... and how i would get threw it all without having to become dependent in some way on family.
Ive been on my own since 16 and to go to a life of not being in control of my life would not be good. I think the only way to look at it is .... its out of your control to change the things from what has happened and look toward what you can do to get to how you want the future to look. It will happen you just have to stay strong and set goals to meet those desires. I wake up every morning and ask myself.... what can i do TODAY to make things better for my future. It will pay off in the end. Stay strong and keep journaling it does really help :)
It is very challenging good2go, you have no idea. Though to be completely honest with you, I haven\'t been independent in a long while. My ex pretty much controlled every aspect of my life, so to say I had freedom is probably a lie. To me, it was all an illusion, but now that I\'m free of her, I see what kind of hold she truly had on me.
As far as the positive reinforcement goes, I do try to stay positive. My major block right now is what goals do I set to get to where I want to go. My goals so far have been small, mainly to repair all the damage caused by the last 4 years. So I did the physical therapy thing, and plan to do it again once I have my own car. I am learning how to cook, which seems vital to survival, cleaning, which seems just as vital, and learning more about myself and disorder so that I can self-manage it without needing care from anyone. So far I am succeeding in those tasks for the most part, but I still got some work until I feel confident.
The transition from this, to being on my own, affording housing on disability, and surviving on my own terms however doesn\'t seem as easy. With a lack of resources at my disposal, I\'m not sure where I could turn for help. I think Monday I\'m going to call social services and see what they would recommend, but I get the feeling they will not be overly helpful. They rarely are.
I\'m sorry that you are in a rocky marriage yourself. I know all too well what that is like, and I just hope you can fix it and save it. I consider marriage to be a very sacred thing personally, and I know if she was willing to work towards a solution, I would of been there fighting just as hard for it. Sadly, she doesn\'t value our marriage or me anymore, so that is out of the question. The unknowns, they are hard too to cope with. If you have no support system behind you, I can imagine it gets far more challenging. I\'m very blessed that I have great friends, and family that do care for me.
Hmmmm, I\'m usually a good problem solver, but this is a tough one. Do you contribute to your mother while staying in her place? If so, then you should try and sit down with her and make a \"chart\" that divvy\'s up the chores. No reason for either one of you to feel overwhelmed. I believe that you can live with her peacefully, if you are able to set up boundaries. Families all over Europe co-habitat successfully. It\'s a matter of her understanding your needs. She may be the type that needs continual reminders, and/or she may be the type that just likes to bitch and moan.
Friends. Hmm. I give up on the buggars. I have had NOT ONE friend (except for you all here on DS) even approach me to ask if there is anything they can do. Hold my hand, hold me, reassure me that I will not die alone.... Friends? I don\'t hold them in very high esteem. I\'m sorry that your\'s did not come through for you. I think, if I were you, I would make them aware of how them staying away, ignoring you when in need, has made you feel. Maybe they aren\'t aware of how much you actually rely on them to lift you up?
Now, as to regards to the \"secrets\" you hold. I think that we all have secrets wishes and desires that we aren\'t neccessarily happy to share. It could be considered privacy more than shame. But, if you are ashamed of your secret desires, maybe you should look into why you have the shame.
Do you work? I think I remember that you do. Do you have health insurance? If so, have you looked into any counseling? I am certain that you have such low self-esteem. I know how debilitating that can be. It\'s crippled me my whole life and has caused me to made some very bad choices. I am determined to start loving myself - want to start this journey together? Sandy