the consumption of "love"

Recently I read an article and the title of it was "Don't be a wife to a boyfriend". Weird right? Why would you be a wife to a boy friend? But if you do some self evaluation you begin to see the form in which you are being a wife to a boy friend. I wouldn't necessarily say it's a bad thing to be that, but it is a bad thing to be that for the wrong guy. I have learned that being a wife to the wrong guy does more harm then good. Being good, spoiling, and giving everything to someone will NOT keep them around, will NOT make them be faithful to you and damn sure will NOT make them love you or love you more. And thats just my opinion. Maybe its because I have given someone the world and more and still got cheated on. I know you arent supposed to let other peoples mistakes define you or let alone stop yourself from being all those things to someone else just because one person didnt appreciate it enough, but until someone comes along to prove me different those are just my thoughts. I was a wife to a boy friend, but not because I only saw him as a boy friend, I saw a future with him. But it is so INCREDIBLY draining to give 150% of you love to a person who give you 50% of theirs but claims to be giving it all. DONT SETTLE. I have learned the hard way not to settle for less then what I** think I deserve. We all deserve what we desire and more. I gave my all to a relationship and I am hurt. My trust for this person is shattered. But my love remains the same and it makes everything else that much more. I dont know what to do because everything in me tells me to leave but that one strand of hope tells me to stay, that he will change, that he will value me one day and that actions will speak louder than words. I constantly have to remind myself that I am enough. But if you understand where I am coming from in the slightest, then you know sometimes you have to repeat it a million times in your head just to believe it, and even then, sometimes, you still done feel like you're enough. I am young and beautiful, hung up on a man who doesnt respect me, doesnt care for me the way he says he does and doesnt make me feel wanted. A million other things I should be worried about in this world and this is my daily heartache. 

These forms of hardache often make us feel stupid. Selfish. Unworthy. Why? Because someone out there probably just lost someone more significant in their life and I sit here and cry over a guy who cheated, lied and betrayed me. Betrayls forms are interesting. He betrayed my love. Im not even sure if this post even makes sense because my mind is everywhere and it becomes difficult to even stay on topic. I know my mind knows better then what I am allowing myself to go through. I promised myself I would never be this girl. This pathetic, vulnerable person, thats who I see in the mirror. It hurts to be with him and it hurts to be without him. 

Where do I go from here? Where do i begin to pick up the pieces and move forward? How to i train myself to love myself again when I put every bit of my love into someone else? When do I say enough is enough? When do MY* feelings begin to matter? When does the endless heartache go away? Will I ever be able to trust him again? Am I wrong in all the things Ive said about him? What if Im the problem? Maybe I just over think? 

Do you know what its like to ask yourself a million questions in your own head and not know the answer to not one damn question? NOT. EVEN. ONE. Every 30 seconds a new questions comes to mind. A new scenrio. 

When does this consumption end and love begin. 

Where does it start? 

It starts me ME. 

HELP ME FIND ME AGAIN.