The Conclusion

Wow - there is much to say, I guess.  Can't probably organize all the thoughts into this one writing.  The insights, they seem to filter in (usual at weird times when you least expect them).
One, I mentioned last night.  It just hit me while I was out on my first, rather normal, quite relaxed date with what so far seems a nice, normal man.  I was thinking, wow, the N and I didn't move in the same circles.  Somewhat true, but I think also that any circle he was in would feel that way.  In part, it is true, I wouldn't hang out with the type of people that the majority of the conversation is what they bought at what high end store, etc.  The other part is, he just made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  While I was out on my date, we went to a nice place to eat and I was comfortable.  Shared light convo and teasing with our waiter.  We went to a dance place (that was a bit lame on Thursdays) and I felt comfortable all alone making convo in a weird space.  We went to the strip and I was comfortable walking down the street.  Even in the bar, which I actually had been to before with the ex, I felt comfortable.  I realize, I never felt comfortable there with the N.  On this date, though, I talked and joked with him, with several guys that came up and talked to us (from 21 -34 year olds mainly), as well as several girls who came up and talked with us.  It is almost like I didn't remember that this is really a part of who I am.
OMG!  Somehow I had forgotten that I can talk to people, joke with people, laugh with people and that GET IT!  They think I'm funny and charming and sweet! 
Why did I lose this before?  I became so uncertain in just the basics of me.  We've all read about how this works.  It is torture, pure and simple.  While some have studied these strategies to use in war, N's have just learned through the trial and error of their lives, perfected it and wield it with all the charm and smiles in the world.  I forgive myself because it has worked on trained soldiers, turning them into puddles of nothingness.  I also learned from this.  I can see where he took every bit of information I gave him from day one for two purposes, to present himself as THE ONE, perfect for me and to use every insecurity I ever mentioned to slowly and surely break down every defense I had. 
God, it's a slow process.  From the first little "snaps" that you can barely understand the whys, but they make it make so much sense, you try to change.  To the outright games that no NORMAL person could understand.  What in life ever prepares you for that?  To be purposefully tested and set up to fail.  Nothing.  Mamma didn't teach me how to handle that one!  Each boundary you ever had (and they were few to begin with) is observed, tested subtly to see how you react, adjusted for maximum effect and then plowed under like it was never there at all.    Oh yes, I forgive myself because they are masters at this.
As for my responsibility, something Susy shared the other day about loving the potential of someone hit home with me.  I took this illusion of Mr. Perfect, he started the picture and I was going to color in the rest myself.  I saw and knew from the beginning all these little things that weren't quite right, but I was going to love him into completing the vision....at any cost.  Why was this vision of this perfection worth losing myself?
First, I thought it was real.  Second, I wanted it.  Third, and I never realized this before, I have these insecurities, uncertainties that I've never addressed before.  I really did want to prove that I am MORE, enough to have the GREATEST guy - smart, gorgeous, world traveled, special.  It wasn't good enough for me to just have some average guy that was okay in smarts, okay in looks and gasp had never been anywhere!  Nope, I wanted MORE.  Because, it would make me more.
I was willing to justify much, sweep much under the rug, believe the unbelievable in order to hold on to this.  Of course, there is much more to it.  They do bond you before they destroy you.  But the basics of inside me and why I ALLOWED that, yep...I'm almost ashamed to admit it because it seems so....well, lame now that I have suffered what I have suffered.  But, it is so good because without him, I might have never seen that in myself, that I felt I am not enough on my own, without that something "special". 
I don't think anything huge in my life caused this, just a bunch of life happening in little bits and pieces.  Being alone a lot as a child, being fanciful as a child, being a misfit as a child, being too smart as a child, the failure to protect my daughter, the "shame" that comes along with being a part of a sexual abuse crime...
I have always had love for who I am, but truly I didn't accept that love and who I am.  I felt this need to prove I'm special.  I'm more than a dreamer.  I am more than smart.  In fact, I have something so special that it can wipe away those feelings of failure and shame that my daughter was abused.  I am ABOVE all that now.  Somehow, that's what this man gave me.  He made me special.
Yuck, that makes me want to go be sick!  I am glad I wrote this out.  I have already gained a lot from it.  I think I will continue to reflect and gain insight from it. I am also glad that (as things tend to do) it came together at the same time I had my first date.  It was almost like the perfect foil.  To see myself on that date reflected against what was with the N.  I have a much better idea now of where I am growing and the process that has lead me here.  So far, it is a good conclusion to this chapter.