The College/ Rexy/ Nature
If you can't beat them.. join them.. play their game and note their flaws as they did yours..
Today's nothing but stress which has left me physically ill. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate. Not for nothing, I've tried to work on this paper but my mind keeps going back to the way the college situation has left me in limbo. I wasn't kidding, I can't catch any type of break. The college feels it's best to push me. They feel that it's best to treat me like a mental patient and a common criminal. Watch out for the bastard girl, she's dangerous. I'd never hurt anyone. The most I'd do is yell and hit bellow the belt. I try to prevent this though. The college is set up so that student's who are struggling get worse. Even in venting you can't truly vent without it being twisted or taken as a threat. Why would I watch myself in pain if I wanted to hurt someone else? That's just not me. I'm not a good person, but I'm not a violent person either. The report that was sent in is unjust and there are laws protecting how I handle physical health. Right now, I know what's best for me. Not them. They, are making things so much worse. You never kick someone when they are down but so far they've run me over with a car and have poured acid into every wound by wasting my hard work and forcing me into a position of isolation.
I'm disappointed in Rexy as a human being. As a teacher, I'm proud of her for finally developing a gorgeous spine with my work.. but this college situation is like lightening to the heart because what she'll never know, is that I aspire to write the incredible way in which she does. She doesn't know that besides my Zoology, I want to minor in literature. Specifically creative writing. I try to understand but it becomes frustrating. I wish I had run into her in the "real world" before ever having her as an instructor. I can't dial back the moon. I look up to her and study her poetry because it flows around your mind like the wind in your hair on a spring night. In understanding ones work, you have to understand one's soul.. but she's got me trapped.. and I guess I had her cornered. She's become complex and harder to read in this entire situation. She's been treating me so differently. Is it really her? Or is it the college that has her so aggressive towards me now? The college would never understand why I admire her so much and I bet she never would either, so I'm biting my cheeks. Screaming on the inside and learning how to be still and emotionless on the outside, in a way that would fool her. I don't want to lie to her but if I can't find a way to go past the truth without lying... then I have to lie and her beautiful heart never deserves that. She knows when I'm not okay most of the time. I have to paint pretty pictures to fool her thoughts. I swear faking smiles hurt my cheeks but it has to be done. If the college ever pulls their head out of their ass anyway. I still can't believe how I spoken to. I didn't break the law, make a scene, or threaten anyone to be treated like this.
I need to find a place in nature to protect my spirit. Nothing feels right or good. I need something to wash the pressure away. I wish it would rain. They way it sings as it beats down on me is intoxicating. The way I can cry and it cries with me. Rolling down my skin it washes away the fear I hold. It understands and doesn't judge my position. Help me God, I can't continue on broken bones....
Today's nothing but stress which has left me physically ill. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate. Not for nothing, I've tried to work on this paper but my mind keeps going back to the way the college situation has left me in limbo. I wasn't kidding, I can't catch any type of break. The college feels it's best to push me. They feel that it's best to treat me like a mental patient and a common criminal. Watch out for the bastard girl, she's dangerous. I'd never hurt anyone. The most I'd do is yell and hit bellow the belt. I try to prevent this though. The college is set up so that student's who are struggling get worse. Even in venting you can't truly vent without it being twisted or taken as a threat. Why would I watch myself in pain if I wanted to hurt someone else? That's just not me. I'm not a good person, but I'm not a violent person either. The report that was sent in is unjust and there are laws protecting how I handle physical health. Right now, I know what's best for me. Not them. They, are making things so much worse. You never kick someone when they are down but so far they've run me over with a car and have poured acid into every wound by wasting my hard work and forcing me into a position of isolation.
I'm disappointed in Rexy as a human being. As a teacher, I'm proud of her for finally developing a gorgeous spine with my work.. but this college situation is like lightening to the heart because what she'll never know, is that I aspire to write the incredible way in which she does. She doesn't know that besides my Zoology, I want to minor in literature. Specifically creative writing. I try to understand but it becomes frustrating. I wish I had run into her in the "real world" before ever having her as an instructor. I can't dial back the moon. I look up to her and study her poetry because it flows around your mind like the wind in your hair on a spring night. In understanding ones work, you have to understand one's soul.. but she's got me trapped.. and I guess I had her cornered. She's become complex and harder to read in this entire situation. She's been treating me so differently. Is it really her? Or is it the college that has her so aggressive towards me now? The college would never understand why I admire her so much and I bet she never would either, so I'm biting my cheeks. Screaming on the inside and learning how to be still and emotionless on the outside, in a way that would fool her. I don't want to lie to her but if I can't find a way to go past the truth without lying... then I have to lie and her beautiful heart never deserves that. She knows when I'm not okay most of the time. I have to paint pretty pictures to fool her thoughts. I swear faking smiles hurt my cheeks but it has to be done. If the college ever pulls their head out of their ass anyway. I still can't believe how I spoken to. I didn't break the law, make a scene, or threaten anyone to be treated like this.
I need to find a place in nature to protect my spirit. Nothing feels right or good. I need something to wash the pressure away. I wish it would rain. They way it sings as it beats down on me is intoxicating. The way I can cry and it cries with me. Rolling down my skin it washes away the fear I hold. It understands and doesn't judge my position. Help me God, I can't continue on broken bones....
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