the cat is out of the bag now yues oct 18,2011

yes im truly emmbaresed abvout this prob. nurse came today and i told her im hooked on the hydro's, oxi if i could get them but cant. its so humiliating. its only been 3 months. ive done this to myself, i know that. nurse has calls into the doctor and my phyciatrist which worries me because i have never abused th4e pych meds EVER ok, maybe every once in a while ill take an xtra xanex, but she knows about that. so i dont know whats going to happen. right now i have little to none. i cant eat which is not a bad thing, i have lost a good amount of weight, thats the good part. told my aunt and the whole family knows now. cant get ahold of son today of course. its all crashing around my bed off my own making. i just know its not going to be pretty. i will prob bre  going cold turky, i am afraid.so now every one knows how stupid i was and did the thing i swore i would never do, get on the pain pills. my mom was so addicted to pain pills she drove a car threw someones house. it was so bad that she was in bed most of the time, and allways sick coudnt poop, the whole nine. so that is why im so very scared. i hope i dont have to do it the hard wqay, but that will prob be what it is. sis and bro in law going to see there son today and ill be here by myself for a while for the firse time. ok, they are gone now. i dont know what to do son just called he is of course running out of food. i dont know what to do about that. im so broke its not even funny. i dont know what im going to do. i realy need some help. i just dont know anything anymoore. took a tea spoon of very expired liqiud hydrocodone that is about 6 yrs expired. so nasty didnt think id keep it down now im trying not to throw up. ive had this all that time, and never ever took it. now its soooo expired and moore nasty it couldnt be. so im not in good shape. i thought i would NEVER EVER take that stuff again, actually forgot i even had it. wish i woudnt have found it and i realy wish i wouldnt have takin it. but i cant untake it. hate to throw up rather take a beating. im just feeling so alone and scared. now im acually alone but its ok, if its cold turky, so be it, but i will prob be the biggest bitch on wheels. i am still losing weight, that is awsome.need t make a goal about the pills. i tottally get how people turn to herion. not me but i can see how it could happen. its just good for  me that we dont have any people who allways have those and i have no contacts and im not hitting the streets for pills. its just going to be prob one of the hardest things i will EVER DO. i just hope its not as bad as i think it is.ok, going to lay down and watch some cable.will get back on in a little while