The Boyfriend

I’m not sure how to begin. 

Back when the boyfriend and I first began dating, I was overwhelmed with something I’d never experienced before! Love. LOVE. Pure, senseless, happiness and devotion to someone else. I, the socially inept, chubby, depressed girl found love. We loved each other fiercely and dreamed of a bright future. 

Over time, the “honeymoon phase” fades. That first love is not as bright as before. Then, the two lovers must compromise. I know that now. But to be honest, I’m not sure how to interpret this decline in love from that time. 

I.. I don’t know how to say it. Our relationship was impaired in a lot of ways from the beginning, though some are better now. I find a lot of it to be because of me. I was talkative, he was quiet. I ended up talking over him a lot. I was overthinking, and his quietness set off many and fearful bout in me. I was (still am) attention seeking, and he didn’t indulge that part of me. I was paranoid constantly that he didn’t like this, or that, or would leave me. I believed that if he left, no one else would want me.

I was DEPRESSED. I found reasons to rant in the middle of the night. I found reasons to send essays through text, ramble over the phone, and cry into his shoulder. He would let me, and sometimes lend a few words of helpful advice, but I knew he didn’t understand. I still don’t think he understands. 

I can’t blame him, a person who’s never experienced a mental disorder, for not understanding. 

But it hurts. On my times of self discovery, I feel such pride for myself that he doesn’t know how to share. He goes quiet when I mention anything mental disorder related. It feels alienating. He has a reason for doing that, which he says is because he used to try to talk with me about them but I always shot him down and talked over him. So now he says nothing. 

I hate pouring out my soul to someone and they say nothing back. When I’m bursting with emotions, there’s almost nothing. 

As a result of all this, I’ve taken to simply hiding that side of me, that mental disorder side, from him until it gets too much to bear and I need someone to talk to. It just feels shameful. It feels strange to open up to him.

I think I have a problem with projecting onto his silence what I think is being said, when in reality nothing is being said. For example if I ask him for an opinion on something Im drawing, he might say “no comment”, which to him means “it’s fine the way it is, keep doing what you’re doing”. But I would see it as “it’s boring and there’s nothing to comment on.” Even though he likely wouldn’t think something like that.

If I’m rambling, depressed and anxious, and he’s completely silent, I subconsciously misconstrue that as “you’re being ridiculous. Shut up. I won’t say anything.” And I wouldn’t know if that’s the truth of his thoughts unless he SAYS SOMETHING. So it’s either I learn to be less paranoid and insecure or he learns to speak to me. 

Our relationship is weird. I get the feeling he feels more for me than I do him. I care about him. I still like him. But when I get down and depressed, those feelings vanish. I feel nothing for anyone. It makes me feel so guilty.. I feel nothing for the ones who care about me so much. Him too. 

I had dreams recently about him. One was of him repeatedly abandoning me, and the other was just of his sex appeal (tmi maybe? sorry) 

That made me think- is that all I really care about in him now? Fear of him leaving and sex appeal? What about his  personality? What about his hobbies and interests? His writing? What about loving his traits, his caring, his openness about love? 

I feel very conflicted about this, but I think I’ve said enough to get out everything in my mind. I used to think these these types of posts were soo stupid! I would scoff at people rambling about their relationships and significant others. Now, I understand better the emotional significance, investmennt, the work involved in a relationship. 

**Sigh** at the end of the day, perhaps all problems would be solved simply by being more open..

Ps. On a more positive note, today’s the orientation for the animal rescue! I can go take care of dogs and kitties again :) Even if that involves shoveling up their poop and doing laundry and whatnot, I still enjoy working with animals. The dogs especially are so excited to see you.