The Big Kahuna

I've heard it said that grief comes in waves. Right now, I'm under a big wave. Waiting for it to pass. Concentration impossible. Body taut, ready to snap. Smoked a pack in the last 24 hours. Thats an all time record for me! I'm angry and almost to the point of rage! Why won't it leave me alone! Why won't grief let me be? I hate how I've become so wishy washy that one day I can feel good and the next I feel like I'm trapped in hell but I have no idea how I got here. Nothing changed. It's the same set of circumstances. Maybe denial finally caved in and exposed this knotted up, confused, ranting and raving psycho. So much for working forward. My brain is a hot mess right now, barely able to complete a thought. (Much less a set of exercises) I will get through. I won't like it though!
Waiting for this wave to pass....