the big awe
i find myself caught up in my needs tonight - or at least I was -
I kept talking to myself about knowing that I have a lot of desires
but also the knowledge that if followed those desires could lead me
to illness and oblivion. I wondered and wondered about the 'answer' to my troubles.
I am safe and comfortable but I WANT MORE and I didn't know how to go for it.
That's the kind of idea I had in mind. But I knew it was a kind of fantasy.
I had to ground myself in pragmatics - and so I thought of something my therapist
suggested..."just think about what you have to do TODAY!"
And so I swung my legs over to the side of the bed and stood up.
It's time to take my meds and get ready for tomorrow's schedule of things...services,
chores, morning meal and therapy - THAT just gave me good grounding.
Keep on keeping on!
Replies
I find myself struggling with the same amorphous pleasure seeking state of being this morning, I have to take it one step at a time. Inside I am fighting but I’m still doing my work. Today it’s like I have to figure my life out all over again (which I kind of have heard Nikki talk about as well?) I just need to ask myself’what do I do when I have these kinds of feelings?’ And then set myself on a path of knowing
It’s easy to feel trapped by the overwhelming feeling of having to start from scratch. This is where baby steps and patience need to be front and center.
I am forced into starting life anew due to financial collapse from a bad choice in relationship, but what is done is done and I am forced to start from ground zero and rebuild.
It’s going to take me years.
I think the mindset feels kinder when you frame it as new opportunity.
I cannot advise on monastic life but it sounds like you are determining if you are on a retreat or on a centered way of life. Neither one is a wrong choice so I hope you don’t wrestle with right from wrong as you move through all the baby steps required in decision making.
I know in my own journeys when I felt kind of lost in what to do next and always felt I need someone guiding or telling me what to do, one of the most helpful things to remember is that we are our own guides. The people who appear on our paths are there to encourage or educate us in some way, but we are the ones taking the actual steps and doing the actual work.
I hope that makes some sense!
Thanks Nikki!