The Best of Codependency
A saying I've used a lot in my life is "there's a thin line between love and hate." I've always liked that one b/c it's so true. I feel like you can't hate someone you never loved- b/c if you never loved them, they wouldn't have enough power over you to warrant such a strong passionate emotion like hate.
I love my father. I hate what he does. I hate that he drinks. I hate that he doesn't see anything off about the twisted ways in which he views life. I've given up SO MUCH of my life for him and now I'm taking a look at myself. 30, fat, no prospects for a relationship, the knowledge that if I do decide to venture out right now with the lack of love I have for myself no doubt I'll meet another sociopath. I feel so lonely. I feel so sad. I wish my dad didn't drink. I wish he'd let me love him. I wish he'd let people in. I wish reality wasn't reality.
I'm sitting here crying my fucking eyes out. Like a 5 year old- I'm about to have a fucking asthma attack. I fully understand why my brain developed codependency. This reality was way too much for a 12 year old to handle. I would have never made it. I guess denial does serve a purpose. Now I'm just fucking sad. And it really really really sucks. I have pot- but smoking it wont make this go away.
It's so hard to accept that my dad's a drunk. That he's killing himself. B/c he is. And I can't control it. I can't stop it. Only God can. Please God help him and help me too. I'm fighting the urge to just say fuck it and go right back to doing everything in my power to help him. I know I can't go back. I know that even when I gave everything I had it never helped him- it just hurt me.
This fucking sucks. I'm gonna go home and cry myself to sleep.
I love my father. I hate what he does. I hate that he drinks. I hate that he doesn't see anything off about the twisted ways in which he views life. I've given up SO MUCH of my life for him and now I'm taking a look at myself. 30, fat, no prospects for a relationship, the knowledge that if I do decide to venture out right now with the lack of love I have for myself no doubt I'll meet another sociopath. I feel so lonely. I feel so sad. I wish my dad didn't drink. I wish he'd let me love him. I wish he'd let people in. I wish reality wasn't reality.
I'm sitting here crying my fucking eyes out. Like a 5 year old- I'm about to have a fucking asthma attack. I fully understand why my brain developed codependency. This reality was way too much for a 12 year old to handle. I would have never made it. I guess denial does serve a purpose. Now I'm just fucking sad. And it really really really sucks. I have pot- but smoking it wont make this go away.
It's so hard to accept that my dad's a drunk. That he's killing himself. B/c he is. And I can't control it. I can't stop it. Only God can. Please God help him and help me too. I'm fighting the urge to just say fuck it and go right back to doing everything in my power to help him. I know I can't go back. I know that even when I gave everything I had it never helped him- it just hurt me.
This fucking sucks. I'm gonna go home and cry myself to sleep.
Replies
I am so sorry that you\'re going through this, I know how painful this is. Like you, and this is so weird, I realized yesterday, that this time, my codependency has nearly killed me - and at the very least, it\'s made me very sick, and partially disabled with chronic pain. Who knew, right?
I knew, but didn\'t stop it. How could I? I was hit so many times with so much crap, I didn\'t know which way was up? It\'s been nearly fifteen years on this crazy train, and just yesterday, I realized what I\'ve been doing all along - my codependency was there to protect me, but at the same time killing me. Either way, I\'m done - I can\'t do it anymore. I mean, I physically and mentally just cannot do it anymore.
Funny thing about being there for everyone else is, when you finally need real help, they all disappear. You better believe I found out who my real friends were when I got sick. Out of about 20 people, 1 stuck by me - and she was sick herself and didn\'t need my mess, but we were there for each other and it was sincere.
That was a rude awakening, when people, who\'ve you \"been there for\" for years, and sometimes over decades just POOF - don\'t call, and don\' t even come by to say hi.
Here\'s the thing about all the people I surrounded myself with - they all wanted or needed something from me and I gave it to them with a glad heart and good intentions (or so I told myself) - when I couldn\'t give them what they wanted or needed - they had no intention on doing the same for me. Because if they did, they would still be here - and my phone ain\'t ringing.
Can I blame them? Not really, I played a part in falling for it, and somehow, for whatever reason, I needed the distraction to survive. I was coping, and I had a lot of shit to cope with. So, maybe they think the same of me? I don\'t know and I just don\'t have the energy to care anymore.
What I do know, is that I don\'t care if anyone likes me or loves me anymore, all I care is that they respect me, and my time, my boundaries, my efforts, my good nature, my loyalty, my sensitivity, and ME - all of ME, even with all my flaws and mistakes. If they can\'t do that, then they can go find someone else kick around, cuz it won\'t be me for another single minute.
I hope you start feeling better - for me anyway, certain people are an addiction and it may take just days, or maybe weeks before I\'m okay with them not being around.
I think you are right- I think my father is an addiction. The abuse he brings to my life. I don\'t any better. So I keep seeking it out and until I set rigid boundaries with him he\'s going to keep abusing me. I didn\'t go there again today and I\'m not going to go next Sunday. He can call me whatever he wants. I\'ve had a good day today and last sunday- for the first time in forever! I\'m actually taking care of ME instead of putting me last.
I understand what you mean- I gave my whole life to helping everyone and when I need the emotional help I get told to screw also. And I know that my codependency helped me while killing me at the same time helping me too. I just had no idea. I knew things sucked. I just had no earthly clue how to make them better or even that better was a possibility , until now. And as odd as it seems- all of the pain I\'ve felt brought me here and for that reason I am greatful for all of it.
I know you are going to be rid of this man and when you do your life will get infinitely better. I\'m praying for you- that that day will come quick.
Thank you so much for your continued support- it really means so much to me.