The Best of Codependency
A saying I've used a lot in my life is "there's a thin line between love and hate." I've always liked that one b/c it's so true. I feel like you can't hate someone you never loved- b/c if you never loved them, they wouldn't have enough power over you to warrant such a strong passionate emotion like hate.
I love my father. I hate what he does. I hate that he drinks. I hate that he doesn't see anything off about the twisted ways in which he views life. I've given up SO MUCH of my life for him and now I'm taking a look at myself. 30, fat, no prospects for a relationship, the knowledge that if I do decide to venture out right now with the lack of love I have for myself no doubt I'll meet another sociopath. I feel so lonely. I feel so sad. I wish my dad didn't drink. I wish he'd let me love him. I wish he'd let people in. I wish reality wasn't reality.
I'm sitting here crying my fucking eyes out. Like a 5 year old- I'm about to have a fucking asthma attack. I fully understand why my brain developed codependency. This reality was way too much for a 12 year old to handle. I would have never made it. I guess denial does serve a purpose. Now I'm just fucking sad. And it really really really sucks. I have pot- but smoking it wont make this go away.
It's so hard to accept that my dad's a drunk. That he's killing himself. B/c he is. And I can't control it. I can't stop it. Only God can. Please God help him and help me too. I'm fighting the urge to just say fuck it and go right back to doing everything in my power to help him. I know I can't go back. I know that even when I gave everything I had it never helped him- it just hurt me.
This fucking sucks. I'm gonna go home and cry myself to sleep.
I love my father. I hate what he does. I hate that he drinks. I hate that he doesn't see anything off about the twisted ways in which he views life. I've given up SO MUCH of my life for him and now I'm taking a look at myself. 30, fat, no prospects for a relationship, the knowledge that if I do decide to venture out right now with the lack of love I have for myself no doubt I'll meet another sociopath. I feel so lonely. I feel so sad. I wish my dad didn't drink. I wish he'd let me love him. I wish he'd let people in. I wish reality wasn't reality.
I'm sitting here crying my fucking eyes out. Like a 5 year old- I'm about to have a fucking asthma attack. I fully understand why my brain developed codependency. This reality was way too much for a 12 year old to handle. I would have never made it. I guess denial does serve a purpose. Now I'm just fucking sad. And it really really really sucks. I have pot- but smoking it wont make this go away.
It's so hard to accept that my dad's a drunk. That he's killing himself. B/c he is. And I can't control it. I can't stop it. Only God can. Please God help him and help me too. I'm fighting the urge to just say fuck it and go right back to doing everything in my power to help him. I know I can't go back. I know that even when I gave everything I had it never helped him- it just hurt me.
This fucking sucks. I'm gonna go home and cry myself to sleep.
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