The beginning or the end

So today is a new day as are all other days. I am here and breathing so this is a good thing, I am feeling lost and confused today. Still angry with myself and facing challenges i should have face already but am anxious to do so. This causes me to get a whole lot of nothing accomplished in my days and yet i know surviving the day is an accomplishment all in itself. I don't know what to do about work. I need to end my relationship, which is toxic, but instead of facing this head on I am avoiding the whole thing. ugh, so frustrating. The lack of personal support on my life is not helping things at all. Is this my own doing? I have no idea. I have lost what was preventable and what is out of my control. in the meantime i sit here and suffer with the demons in my head. feeling alone and spiraling downward into the abyss of my imagination.
 
As the seconds tick by, they feel like hours. My mind is racing in too many different directions. Thirsty, can not decide on what to do, anxious about whether or not this site is going to help me. scared to reach out but I know i have to or I am gone right off the deep end with no flotation device. I am not sure if my choices are going to help me, I tent to gravitate and pull in the wrong kind of people,k I am hoping BEYOND hoping that is not the case here. I trust too god and do not trust at all if that makes any sense. Part of me just doesn't give a shit anymore. whatever is, is and whatever happens just happens. Bad attitude to have I know but for some reason I just cant shake it anymore. I have been stubborn and gone it alone for far too long. Now i cant tell if i am coming or going. i don't know what i do or do not want, as a matter a fact, i don't know a lot, but nothing. If you are reading this I'm sure you will notice the pattern of I am lost. Hate my life, but like certain things about it. I am struggling to make the simplest of decisions, like drink or no drink, eat or snack, laugh or cry, scream or hold my breath. work or don't work, talk or be silent, hide or run.
The new meds I am on are really not doing much so far, I fall asleep a little faster but don't feel any better in any other way. my symptoms are bothersome, phantom smells and nothing on the good side, drive me bananas. i wish i knew why i smell these awful things. my inner demon talks me down often and this is getting harder and harder to self talk away. My energy and desire to be anywhere and nowhere suck too. I am so lost, and feeling very, incredibly, alone and misunderstood. how is anyone else supposed to understand when even i can't. ugh, drown mw now sorrows, leave me to finally sleep.