The beginning
This is my first journal entry. I thought it would be good to write down the history of my condition. Normally, I am a very emotionally (and mentally) strong person. I'm usually the one everybody else turns to when they need a rock. This year has been particularly difficult for me personally. A lot of negative things happened, and I thought that I was at peace with all of them.
What I have discovered upon reflection is that I have been in a state of depression for over a year. I've been a state of complacency and denial. I've constantly isolated myself from other people, and kept myself at an emotional distance from others for a long time. I have spent so much time alone and I've shut out so many people.
I've also shut out all of my feelings. What I thought was me being at peace with all of the things that I've gone through was actually me blocking out feelings and just not facing any of it. On Christmas eve of 2012 I was watching The I Love Lucy Christmas special with my mother and my husband and I all of a sudden started to feel a terrible anxiety. Every feeling that I had pushed out for the past year rushed into me all at once and I lost the ability to control it.
From that moment on it has been an emotional roller coaster that I would really like to get off of. I recognized almost immediately that this was a situation that I would not be able to master on my own and I started looking for ways to get outside assistance. I did some research on natural anti anxiety and anti depressants. I found St. Johns Wort and I've been taking it 4 times a day ever since. It helps for the most part, though obviously it's not a cure all.
In addition to the St. John's Wort I made contact with a local council center and have had one evaluation appointment and my first regular appointment is this afternoon. I'm looking forward to it and i'm also nervous about it.
I'm just so anxious to not be anxious anymore. There are so many good things in my life and I am not able to appreciate them to their fullest extent because this anxiety and depression is sometimes so crippling. Even when I have a moment that I'm feeling well, I start thinking about the anxiety and what if it comes back and then I start to feel poorly again. It's a terrible cycle that I don't know how to break.
I've also started the process of finding a good church community. It's been a long time since I went to church regularly and felt like I belonged to a real community like that. I tried a church this past Sunday and I'm going to try it again for the next couple of weeks.
I'm feeling ok right now. The first two hours of the day and the last two hours of the day are the hardest to get through. And the more time I spend on my own the worse it gets.
What I have discovered upon reflection is that I have been in a state of depression for over a year. I've been a state of complacency and denial. I've constantly isolated myself from other people, and kept myself at an emotional distance from others for a long time. I have spent so much time alone and I've shut out so many people.
I've also shut out all of my feelings. What I thought was me being at peace with all of the things that I've gone through was actually me blocking out feelings and just not facing any of it. On Christmas eve of 2012 I was watching The I Love Lucy Christmas special with my mother and my husband and I all of a sudden started to feel a terrible anxiety. Every feeling that I had pushed out for the past year rushed into me all at once and I lost the ability to control it.
From that moment on it has been an emotional roller coaster that I would really like to get off of. I recognized almost immediately that this was a situation that I would not be able to master on my own and I started looking for ways to get outside assistance. I did some research on natural anti anxiety and anti depressants. I found St. Johns Wort and I've been taking it 4 times a day ever since. It helps for the most part, though obviously it's not a cure all.
In addition to the St. John's Wort I made contact with a local council center and have had one evaluation appointment and my first regular appointment is this afternoon. I'm looking forward to it and i'm also nervous about it.
I'm just so anxious to not be anxious anymore. There are so many good things in my life and I am not able to appreciate them to their fullest extent because this anxiety and depression is sometimes so crippling. Even when I have a moment that I'm feeling well, I start thinking about the anxiety and what if it comes back and then I start to feel poorly again. It's a terrible cycle that I don't know how to break.
I've also started the process of finding a good church community. It's been a long time since I went to church regularly and felt like I belonged to a real community like that. I tried a church this past Sunday and I'm going to try it again for the next couple of weeks.
I'm feeling ok right now. The first two hours of the day and the last two hours of the day are the hardest to get through. And the more time I spend on my own the worse it gets.
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