The beauty of living alone
It's been 5 weeks since I moved in with my Dad. I did it for him. He's 82 and I felt he needed me. Now I want to be totally selfish and leave. The truth is, I'm so miserable here and I just want to be alone. I don't want to get up and hear negative conversations again. I don't want to deal with my father's problems because I'm just not strong enough. I long to come home from work and find only a dog and a bird to deal with, that's all. I want to sit down and enjoy a television program by myself. I want to put things where I want to. I want to have an opinion and not hear the I'm the father and you need to respect me speech.
I want to be an adult.
This Saturday was a good example of my miserable life. My grandkids came over with my stepdaughter and her husband. It was suppose to be a good day. And a special one as it was the day before my wedding anniversary. My grandkids are 9 months and 6 years old. The boy is active so we sat downstairs in our fully finished basement so he could run. The whole time they were here my father mostly sat upstairs, coming down to chat a few times.
The next day, the minute I woke up, my father told me that he didn't want my grandson to run in the basement. He's frightened that the parents might sue him if he were to get hurt. This command was barked at me, not said in a nice way. This inspite of the fact that I kept him downstairs and away from my father and the basement is perfectly safe.
It's more of my father wanting to be the one in charge.
In addition to that, I was told that he didn't want my son-in-law to come upstairs alone. I'm to follow him as he's not certain he can be trusted.
I was told that I better do what he tells me to do as this is his house and I'm his daughter. He also said that he really doesn't want to be bothered with company and that if my son-in-law comes over, my father has to be home. Basically, this reminds me of the parent telling the child that they can't have male company unless the parent is home. I'm 53.
I've spent over 30,000 dollars this year maintaining his house and he's still looking for more money. I told him that I moved back home not back in time. I'm not 15. I'm a senior citizen. A big argument followed and now I'm thinking for the first time in my life that I need to be selfish and move out. I don't feel good about this choice, but even in the best of times I'm totally miserable here. I work more now just so I don't have to stay here. I spend my time in restaurants so I don't have to stay here. And my latest, I've joined a health club so I can escape.
Add to all of this, I have a dog coming home that I purchased last month and I actually feel sorry for her. She's in a person's home now being trained, but look what awaits her: misery, misery, misery.
It's not that I don't love my father. I do. But I need to be by myself. I can't handle all the drama that comes with living here. I just want to get him on his feet financially and then get my own place. So far I planning to do this in eight months but that seems so far away.
I want to be an adult.
This Saturday was a good example of my miserable life. My grandkids came over with my stepdaughter and her husband. It was suppose to be a good day. And a special one as it was the day before my wedding anniversary. My grandkids are 9 months and 6 years old. The boy is active so we sat downstairs in our fully finished basement so he could run. The whole time they were here my father mostly sat upstairs, coming down to chat a few times.
The next day, the minute I woke up, my father told me that he didn't want my grandson to run in the basement. He's frightened that the parents might sue him if he were to get hurt. This command was barked at me, not said in a nice way. This inspite of the fact that I kept him downstairs and away from my father and the basement is perfectly safe.
It's more of my father wanting to be the one in charge.
In addition to that, I was told that he didn't want my son-in-law to come upstairs alone. I'm to follow him as he's not certain he can be trusted.
I was told that I better do what he tells me to do as this is his house and I'm his daughter. He also said that he really doesn't want to be bothered with company and that if my son-in-law comes over, my father has to be home. Basically, this reminds me of the parent telling the child that they can't have male company unless the parent is home. I'm 53.
I've spent over 30,000 dollars this year maintaining his house and he's still looking for more money. I told him that I moved back home not back in time. I'm not 15. I'm a senior citizen. A big argument followed and now I'm thinking for the first time in my life that I need to be selfish and move out. I don't feel good about this choice, but even in the best of times I'm totally miserable here. I work more now just so I don't have to stay here. I spend my time in restaurants so I don't have to stay here. And my latest, I've joined a health club so I can escape.
Add to all of this, I have a dog coming home that I purchased last month and I actually feel sorry for her. She's in a person's home now being trained, but look what awaits her: misery, misery, misery.
It's not that I don't love my father. I do. But I need to be by myself. I can't handle all the drama that comes with living here. I just want to get him on his feet financially and then get my own place. So far I planning to do this in eight months but that seems so far away.
Replies
I\'m so sorry this is all falling on you. Couldn\'t you just move out now? Even to someplace temporary until you find the right home. Just packing up might help bring your father to his senses. I\'ve no idea if you are where there are counselors/social workers - but a third party to negotiate a truce with your father might help. I wish I could think of something more helpful. Stay strong.
Katherine
Is your father well enough to take care of himself? It seems that he might be in stages of alzheimers or something that is making him cranky. You said that you were helping him financially. what did he do before you moved in? I am sure that he loves you and cherishes the time that you spend together. With him being in his 80\'s, that time gets shorter and shorter. If you can find a solution to the problem, try to stick it out, but if you are miserable and it keeps getting worse, I would get out. Remember that we must first be happy with and in ourselves before others around us can be happy.
Hugs~Shauna
You are not happy living with you dad in the basement. Get out as fast as you can. It is not selfish to put your own happiness first considering what you have been thru with your own personal loss. It is not selfish to put your needs first. When you are happy yourself, then and only then can be in a good place to help other people including your dad. Run as fast as you can and be happy. From Diane
Hi,
I understand what you are saying my mother is always looking for the bad in others. She even talked bad about while i was across the table. Sh e said bad thing to her friend but I heard it all. She love putting down any times she can. I have to keep my distance at times . I wish I have a answer but I don;t
Malia
l feel so sorry for you,l really couldn,t live or have my mother live with me,l don,t think any of her family could.You have given so much of your life up to help your dad,but he still seems so ungrateful,would he not live in a retirement home,or maybe you could find your own place.l hope you sort it out.
Alice
I can\'t even imagine what you must be feeling. You must be so torn between wanting to help your dad and needing your space. I doubt there is anyone on this earth that is as easy to get along with as my dad and mom, but I still wouldn\'t want to live with them. I need my space. I can totally relate to what you are saying about wanting to come home to a quiet house with just the dog and the bird. I certainly hope you find a solution before the stress becomes too much for you.
I am so very sorry for all the stress you are feeling now. I hope you can figure out a way to live again on your own. I am with Alice, maybe your father needs to live in a retirement home. Heres hoping you can find a solution to your problem and soon.
If you don\'t take care of your needs you won\'t be able to help yourself or anyone else.......you need out........you need peace............that is what I am hearing you say.......you can\'t stay on that treadmill and heal ..........take your bird, your dog, and move out..............If your dad needs help , you can offer suggestions or help him find what he needs.........and then leave..........go to your own haven...........
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I\'d leave....that is the problem of moving home, you are now 15 years old and mom/dad are the head of the house and you will do as they say. They forget that you are an adult, can come and go as you want and I think that is the biggest problem, they want to be in control. Do you have any other brothers and/or sisters? If you do, get them involved with dad, let them help him out. The only thing I can see happening (if you stay) is you will resent dad more and more, and at some point you may end up saying something that you wish you could take back but it\'ll be too late. I\'d put the ball in his court and tell him, \" since I\'ve moved in it seems as if my presence is disrupting you and your life in your home so I\'ve decided to give you your space and move out.\" It may make him come to his senses, but I wouldn\'t count on it....
I knew when you moved in you were not going to be happy, just from what you said before you moved. I am so sorry that you are miserable.
Do you think that your dad has Alzheimers? Does he have any other symptoms besides the negativity and constant criticism? Can he cook his own meals -- w/o burning the pots and pans? Does he take a bath and change his clothes w/o someone telling him to do so? Does he still drive? Can he pay his bills by himself?
I\'m asking because if the answer is \'no\' to the majority of these questions, you can probably become his guardian and place him in an assisted living home. Then, since you have already put so much money into his home, stay there. He wouldn\'t like it at first, but, then he will become adjusted to it and be in a safe place and not making you miserable. (I\'m probably going to be cruicified now).
Just asking questions. I\'m sorry that you are having all these problems with your dad.
Hugs, Joely