the beat of life

I was at work today, at the very start of which I started with another kind of complex that I awoke with -

that I had to look up and over mentally, and just decided to work well, keep professional and do 

a good job.. and I did. I am getting better at it and more comfortable

with being uncomfortable (that's also probably a part of aging too...because

with aging I know I am faced with a lot of other not so nice things that daily I have to deal with...

so maybe I'm just getting more flexible and stronger in a way but also maybe just more stalwart.)

My mind kept on finding issues as I worked. I do not know how to describe it

other than - it's like my mind was looking for satisfaction while I was busy with

work. And questions over and over. The work I am doing maybe just wasn't enough (I totally get that.)

But I had to continue and - and I was getting smaller and smaller inside trying to reason

out what I was having trouble with and then for some magical reason, I started

to think about moving forward in life. By moving forward, I mean 'do something'

that requires me to stand for my own work amongst others. I was thinking a whole mess of ideas

but it kind of distills to that... maybe like being known as reliable enough to be a manager

or whatever I choose to do.. like write a book. 

I was thinking how when with others I so tend to blend in with the furnishings - try to find harmony in

most situations - and find the beauty and spiritual aspects to the moment. (It may be my mission statement in part).

But I also know that kind of musing about the 'working in harmony' also set

me thinking about the fact that we need to 'battle our way in life' and 'distinguish

ourselves' at those things we desire to have-  Step outside 'the comfortable' and fight to

stand 'amongst' or in between. It was a total crazy thought and it made

me feel all kinds of agita and agression but those feelings were then in the context of competition

and just survival...and so it made kind of sense and brought confidence -

I don't know why I had to think about that - 

in any event, the day ended and I came home...grinding away at this new idea

and eventually, after lunch, and shower and dressing and shopping - I just felt old.

I am only 53 but aging though it may have some gifts it also blows

big time.. I find myself now spending time alone, getting back to the beat of life...

rather than keeping myself in the perspective of others (like at work) where I would be battling forward

to get my goals and needs met (while in a group.) I find I am noticing the difference

between working here at home to the 'beat of life' - nearly like keeping up with things and others

rather than just the standing strong, relaxed and happy that this time off is mine...I had a little taste of that

earlier on :). I feel grateful though for writing this - and thinking about it.

I go to the Treepeople tomorrow. Then after that - the weekend is mine!

peace,

and hug,

Mark