the art of not overthinking.

can the brain split in two?  meaning one part does A and the other part does B?  that's what it feels like sometimes.  i made a plan yesterday.  i would go to church, that worked out fine.  i would go to ross in Athens, found it and only got sort of lost for a wee bit.....ate lunch at someplace new.  Freddies......founded on good found on Coney Island ....burgers, custard, string fries.....

got back, drove home and then an hour later remembered the big reason for yesterday, pick up my Xarelto.  so there it sits at Walgreens Pharmacy and i am sitting right here.  soooooo tired.  doing my usual puttering and not much else.  maybe later today, maybe manana.......

it's been raining a lot in Georgia, I suppose that's why we have songs like A Rainy Night in Georgia.......when it rains it's done with enthusiasm, held over for more than a day......like any good performance there are encores. 

bruce did that thing he does.....on Friday he promised to call me Saturday to tell me what time he'd be here on Sunday.  he didn't call or appear......i think it's one of those things he does.  sort of a don't let anybody down, promise them results and figure out later when he can actually appear to make it happen.  since he didn't call on Saturday i knew he wasn't coming on Sunday and true enough no sign of him, not a call, nuttin honey.

my sister wants me to seriously contemplate moving back to iowa.  as long as iowa is terribly cold how can i choose that? as long as my children are here.......why would i do that?  i challenged her to contemplate moving here........seriously contemplate moving to a warmer climate.  choosing ice and snow and below zero wind chill factors.......with my health?  i can seriously say that would reduce my life outside of my immediate living environment by half.  or more.  i only get out now about two months out of a year.  so being inside in an apartment somewhere starting over....yes, i would have family.   lots of iowa family, but i've been away so long now that they are virtual strangers.  so how is that different from being here?

......anyway, i'm bleaching a load of whites.......why can't bleach smell less bleachy?  ugh.......

i need to call the water bill company cause i can't figure out my bill.  another sign of proof that i'm no math head.  we're a small village, not a lot of high falutin' technology......so to keep from ever having to worry about my water being cut off i pay them $100 every few months to make certain that never happens.  but this bill.....there is no listing that says last month's balance......no listings that explain it in a straightforward manner.  i've looked at it in the morning, at mid day and in the evening trying to make sense of it ....thinking at some time during the day this poor tired thinker of mine works better/is stronger than at other times.  but i still don't get it.  so i'm gonna call and beg help from one of those nice ladies behind the counter. 

in all my life i've never had such a hard time connecting in the way i want to connect with others.  i've talked about it here a good bit over the years......there is this one lady at church named Ann.  Every time i see her she rushes over to welcome me, to hug me....to say it's good to see you.  this is the entire relationship we have.  after almost five years i know nothing about her.  this is. her one thing, the thing she likes to do.....but she doesn't go any further.  i've tried a few times, but gotten no where.  so that's a no go.

this week i'm going to try to go to Bread of Life.  This is an event where local churches come together to feed families in need.  our little church has a great kitchen and works well for this event.  they need people to shop, cook, clean up, pack the meals, deliver the meals......spend time talking to the families, praying with them if it's requested.  it's not about converting anyone, it's a simple you need a meal, let us help you on this day kind of service, but if more spiritual help is requested then people step up. 

i spent some time talking to julie......a woman who lost her beautiful daughter in a car accident last november, just two days before her daughter's birthday.  i thanked her for talking to me......i feel a connection to her and to her parents.  when this happened julie ended up moving in with her parents again. she was struggling in so many ways to function......yesterday she shared that Julie's father has expressed a desire to take his own life several times........she cannot contemplate a future in hell, she wants to try to make it through so she can be united with her child......and she tells her former husband to try and do this as well.  it's hard, there is a level of grief on the face of a parent who's lost a child.........grief etched into the lines of their faces that tears at the soul.  i've been praying for julie for a long time now......sometimes i do really really dumb things.  while we were talking i started talking abotu something really stupid, sort of an attempt to be funny about something that happened to me recently.  right after while driving home i thought why do i do that???? stick my foot into my mouth like that.......i don't even know why i talked about such a dumb thing.  she needs to talk it out cause a lot of people she talks to are already growing weary of hearing about her loss.  there is no time lock on grief, no one magic day when it's better..........it's a deep wound.  ......hope you'll pray for julie and her family too please.......and thank you!

i don't have julie's number or email so i can even say sorry i went off track and acted like a doo doo head.  ......i spoke to the pastor and the lady who pretty much runs Bread of Life told me she could find me a job where i can sit more than stand.........so i need to be at the church on Wednesday anytime after one.

i got to pack Kayla's kits on Saturday for two hours.  it really wiped me out........my back gets so angry so quickly.  but aside from that i got to help out some.  five hundred kits this year, this group is now celebrating ten years of service.  helped so many families.  the kits honor children who only have the clothes off their backs as they are taken from their homes into care.  each kit has useful items for hygeine, toys, useful items for school, fun and thoughtfully put together to bring a little bit of light into a tough tough unbelieveably tough day for these children.  if you're a baby you get a bottle, baby wipes, teething toys and so forth.  if you're a teen boy you get deodorant and a good book to read, you get fun things, school items........paper, folders, pencils, brain teaser books and so forth. a teen girl gets nail polish, lipstick, a make up case........and so forth and so on.  they are really nice......every child gets a stuffed animal to hold in the dark no matter the age.........we can all use a bit of a cuddle at night during a storm .......whether it's caused by weather or by family problems.  cuddling is a good way to hold on tight to what we all need.....love, home, stability.

i do goooooo on. sorry, i try not to think to much as i type, to just let the words fly out like little birds in that child hood story about the blackbirds flying out of that pie. just do it............let it come out.  a time where i don't have to restrain myself, like when walking, when each step is carefully chosen and measured......when i fight the pain to get from here to there. 

time to hush now......take care of you, i'll try to take care of me.  hugs, ruthie