The Apartment - it makes me sad living here without Smokey

The apartment - it makes me sad living here without Smokey.  I have come to that conclusion.  The last week or so I was busy babysitting while staying at Dave's place. Lisa, Grant and Tyson live down the hallway from Dave.  It comes in handy when I have to babysit early in the morning.  When I came home today being Friday, I started crying all over again.  I think it is being and living here without Smokey in the one bedroom apartment.  It reminds me so much of Smokey.  He bought it in 1992.  I moved in with Smokey in 2000.  I have been living here for 11 years.  If I could afford to, I would love to sell and get something else.  I am not working at the moment so that idea just remains in my mind.  I can't do anything at the moment.  My hands are tied.  In my heart of hearts, I wish to move into something else.  I don't want to keep living here anymore.  It has just too much memories and things that won't go away. Every square inch of the apartment reminds me of Smokey and what I have lost each and every day.  So much love.  So much loss.  
It is just my thoughts as I have so much time to think about different things in my life. It feels as if everything I touch turns to sand or dust.  It seems as if my hands turn everything to black.  It seems as if I can't do anything right.  It seems as if I just can't get my life together anymore.  It seems the ache in my heart will never leave me.  It seems like a little black cloud is following me wherever I go and whatever I touch.  It seems as if nothing will be right in my life ever again.  It seems like this is going on forever and there is no light at the end of my tunnel.  It seems as if all these thoughts are strangling me and I can't even swallow anymore.  My own thoughts are very dark and deep.
You know what...I am not alone.  My faith has kept me going this far and my faith in God will continue to keep me going on in this life.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  My life is in God's hands.  He is turning my life around so that my life will be filled with sunshine, love, life, goodness,  happiness, and wonderful moments.  The ache in my heart will heal.  Things will go from sand & dust to plush & lush.  My hands will turn things green again.  I will do things right.  I will get my life back together in a wonderful way.  The sun will follow me wherever I go and whatever I do.  My black thoughts will go away and I will breathe again.  I will smile, laugh, love, kick up my heals and have a jolly good time in this life.  I am a young 55 years old with plenty of life left in this body.  It is not the same body like I had at 20 but it is a good body and the only one I have.  I have to love and accept myself just the way I am.  We are who we are and what we look like.  God accepts us the way we are but we have a problem accepting ourselves the way we are.  God is good.  When we are in God's hands, it is the best place to be.  It looked as if it was going to rain but I think the sun will come out.
Just a few thoughts from Diane B.