The anguish of suicide.
This post is a bit lengthy, but I felt a desperate need to get it out and be able to understand all aspects of suicide! For the sake of those who do not read my journal I am posting this on other groups. This time of year there is a very high rate of suicide. I know I have been there. I hope this speaks to you somehow!
I watched this video called drinking drunk. It was very graphic and heart wrenching. I pray for all my loved ones to be safe this New Year! It got me thinking. When we (the mentally ill) are suicidal we do not understand the sorrow we may give to others, because we are drowning in our own sorrow. Imagine this...imagine the pain in your heart you would feel if you heard of a loved one dying, then imagine that heart ache. Well, that is where me as a mentally ill person lives with everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. The human mind can only cope with so much trauma before it looses touch with reality. Every personality is traumatized by their past which invades their present reality and they do not know how to over come it. The pain is too real and so difficult to comprehend. The only thing that runs through our minds is the need to escape. If you have lost a loved one and felt that huge painful emptiness maybe you can experience were I and my personalities live.
On the flip side, if I got a call about a loved one passing somehow..how devastated I would feel. Like my family or friends...what I have put them through!? Yet, they choose to love me still knowing very well that I could cause them the most pain they have ever had to endure in their lives. Suicide is an act of causing the tremendous pain to our loved ones equal to the pain that we live with everyday of our lives in torment. Do I want to be the cause of my loved ones to inflict the agony that I experience? NO! I would never even have my worst enemy to experience just one of my personalities anguish.The sad thing about this is when I was nursing the idea of killing myself it controlled my mind. It wasn’t until I was able to rationally understand the hell I was living in and work through it that I realized this whole process of years of therapy and psychotropic medications could be the legacy I would leave behind for those who chose to love me anyway. I did not come to this realization on my own. I could not understand this or even think of the ramifications of my actions effecting my loved ones.
So, with all that said. If, and when my broken hearted loved ones read this one day know that I am truly sorry for causing you the worst pain, equal to my own pain, in your life. I do not want you to be the victim of my actions. Just like I never wanted to be the victim of my abusers! I pray that my death would be of natural causes not my cause! I hope this for everyone here on DS!
I watched this video called drinking drunk. It was very graphic and heart wrenching. I pray for all my loved ones to be safe this New Year! It got me thinking. When we (the mentally ill) are suicidal we do not understand the sorrow we may give to others, because we are drowning in our own sorrow. Imagine this...imagine the pain in your heart you would feel if you heard of a loved one dying, then imagine that heart ache. Well, that is where me as a mentally ill person lives with everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. The human mind can only cope with so much trauma before it looses touch with reality. Every personality is traumatized by their past which invades their present reality and they do not know how to over come it. The pain is too real and so difficult to comprehend. The only thing that runs through our minds is the need to escape. If you have lost a loved one and felt that huge painful emptiness maybe you can experience were I and my personalities live.
On the flip side, if I got a call about a loved one passing somehow..how devastated I would feel. Like my family or friends...what I have put them through!? Yet, they choose to love me still knowing very well that I could cause them the most pain they have ever had to endure in their lives. Suicide is an act of causing the tremendous pain to our loved ones equal to the pain that we live with everyday of our lives in torment. Do I want to be the cause of my loved ones to inflict the agony that I experience? NO! I would never even have my worst enemy to experience just one of my personalities anguish.The sad thing about this is when I was nursing the idea of killing myself it controlled my mind. It wasn’t until I was able to rationally understand the hell I was living in and work through it that I realized this whole process of years of therapy and psychotropic medications could be the legacy I would leave behind for those who chose to love me anyway. I did not come to this realization on my own. I could not understand this or even think of the ramifications of my actions effecting my loved ones.
So, with all that said. If, and when my broken hearted loved ones read this one day know that I am truly sorry for causing you the worst pain, equal to my own pain, in your life. I do not want you to be the victim of my actions. Just like I never wanted to be the victim of my abusers! I pray that my death would be of natural causes not my cause! I hope this for everyone here on DS!
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hug