the agency i have to partly control the narrative of my life
I recently talked to my sister about taking a trip to Scotland.
I really want to go and she thinks it a great idea. I am so excited
that she likes the idea too. She's the voice of reason in my life a lot
of the times. It's going to be an expense but I've been
saving for years and it will not break the bank for me.
That being said I was very worried about making this bold plan.
I know the anxiety my family feels when I decide to make a purchase.
Simply put, they care about me and don't want me to be in a vulnerable position
financially. I may have difficulty with the dynamics of life at times and so I need to be careful
in every way I can. Like in this moment, I can start to talk myself out of the decision because
of the fear of doing something unwise, or too extravagant that I ought not buy.
It made me spiral a bit, about then feeling not agency to the actual ways in which I CAN CONTROL the NARRATIVE OF MY LIFE.
In some ways I can't - in some ways I CAN!! Just this realization (which I had yesterday) - is helping me
dig myself out a feeling of worthlessness this morning. This morning I woke up so rested - but
then I thought of the mess of a series of texts I sent to my sister out of worry over all the things
I have been talking about in the above paragraph. She didn't respond and I get it - she doesn't
know what to say....but it made me again - pull myself up and say - each relationship can hurt at times
and yet I have to be self responsible for my feelings....and still even so because of the hurt, I can
control some of the narrative of my life in some ways. It really is an idea that turns me from a feeling of
lost and powerless, to a sense of the bittersweet nature of life- -it all can't be grand! But SOME OF IT
STILL CAN BE!!! :) (((((hug))))) :) !!!
Replies
I'm so excited for you about Scotland! Mind if I stow away in your suitcase? ; ) Feeling anxious about big decisions is totally normal. The fact that you’ve even considered not going shows how much thought you’ve put into it; you're clearly not acting on impulse. As for your sister and the texts, she might just be busy or distracted. We all can be slow to respond sometimes when life gets in the way. I hope you’ll share some pictures from your trip! Hugs.
Thanks Judy!! I sure will!!!
Glory to God! We’re all thriving on our own paths in the best way we can!
my mind is also getting on the habit of thinking about my mom but I am feeling healthy enough that I can dip
into this and then bounce back into my direction after remembering it.
Towards the end of her life - and at the time I was starting to look for work
in the professional world, she was very critical of me - no matter what direction I started looking to take...it was rough - I was mentally ill -
and she put up roadblocks in any direction I aimed myself. Didn't she want me to survive? I asked one therapist...he just gave me a sad look. I told her "I am a man and I am directing my life" - She said "You're not a man until I say you're a man"
Later in life I came across a report card that read "Mark feels the pain of leadership" - I suppose my teacher 'got it too.'
But all that being said I have to accept that part of life, within life, within myself and within us and keep positive in the endeavors and directions I am going towards.
I am the best parent I can be to Blue... I know I fuck up with him sometimes but he's amazing and I love him.
I hope you guys have a great day! Life may be bittersweet - we may have to deal with the hurt in life but we also need to be self
responsible - lick our own wounds and keep on keeping on. Grateful we have each other - but this group also teaches us - to make it a good go out there.
Coming from my own experiences as a Mom...I can write I've Totally Screwed Up with John at times during his life, said hurtful things, and done hurtful things....I'm Blessed with the ability to have had the opportunity to talk with him, telling him I'm sorry, and asking for his forgiveness.
Your Mom came from a different era, and it took me a Long Time to understand and find forgiveness and to let go of painful words/actions that she "just didn't get' because she'd not experienced or learned....I was brought up in the time of children should be seen and not heard.
As for your sister's silence, perhaps she is afraid of giving you the wrong advice, leading you to a place where you could be hurt? Perhaps plan out carefully a timeframe, finance etc about the trip you you know in your own mind you'll be safe financially. Would you be going on your own, Church group or maybe a Senior Citizen group? I think you are Very Brave!!
Thanks Mary Louise!! I’ll be going on my own! I was inspired by this great tour package but also am tempted to go independently on my own plan.
My mom was extremely critical, so I can relate. Unfortunately, harsh words and judgments can linger long after our parents are gone, shaping how we see ourselves and how we relate to others. Kudos for consciously choosing your own path and learning from the past. While we can’t escape our history, it doesn’t have to control the way we live or love. You’re a great example of that. Blue is one lucky kitty! Hugs.
I think a trip would be great for you, especially if you have been saving money forever. Do something special for yourself.
A trip to Scotland sounds fabulous sweetie
If you can manage it why not??
With regards to your mom it sux the way she behaved at times
I went through much the same with my father
He could be very cruel at times and it does affect the rest of our life in one way or another
I'm glad that you have therapy to help work through this sweetie
Big hug....xo
Thank you so much Judy, Becky and Jan!!!