The Aftertests
My nasty big boy AP tests are finally over... no more horribly stressful school atmosphere, no more horribly stressful home atmosphere, no more full binder and sleepless nights. So it should be!
Instead, the end of my AP tests triggered a crippling depressive/dissociative episode I’m still not out of. May have also been exacerbated by PMS. I may have free time, but I spend it wondering what I should be doing and relaxing but feeling guilty. I have nothing to do and it’s driving me crazy! I may be that kind of person that needs a goal to function.
Going straight from constant worry and studying and practically life fixation on these tests to- nothing - I literally go to school and sit in class doing nothing, then I come home and do nothing, has been really jarring. I get the feeling I should be spending this time drawing or playing games or something, I’ve been wanting to do that the whole time I had tests, but now the motivation is gone. And during test season, I develeoped a very strong phone addiction to cope with the stress, and those things dont go away once tests are over. I’m of the belief that phones are useful but not essential... but I contradict myself with the way I live my day to day life. Glued to this stupid little thing.
This journal was a little rant, throwing up the poison if you will...
One last thing. I have an art exhibition coming up, and right now I’m supposed to be choosing what I’m going to have there.... I could only pick 11 pieces I felt I wouldn’t be utterly embarrassed by. I have not drawn often these past few years, the pieces I like are few and far between. My mom wants me to pick 30! I dont even know if I’ve made 30 during my entire high school career... I’d be more comfortable with like 15 or so.
Replies
I'm so glad you are done with your tests. I totally understand the phone thing. When we are under stress, we tend to pick up addictive behaviors. The best thing to do is to deal with the stress, not to try to address the behavior directly until you deal with what it underneath. I'm so glad to hear about the art exhibition. That's wonderful! I know it's hard to choose, but I hope you will find the ones that will touch the most hearts. Usually, what is most personal is most universal as well. Much love to you.
sometimes when we finish something, the adrenaline or what have u wears off and we are left feeling worn out, tired, depressed, it will pass in a few days, u have been up late nights and so forth, your body needs to recalibrate. Plus u always go through this when u get pms (Ive noticed, as I am the same EXACT way- its good to know some one else out there who is not on the pill and has regular functioning hormones in this day an age LOL!) can u be more specific, what do u mean when u say u feel u are in a 'dissociative state', just curious...