The aftermath
4/28
I wish closure meant that the pain just left. I've said all I have to and now I'm just left with the hurt that remains. I miss him. I wish reality wasn't what it is. I wouldn't turn back the clock even if I could- but I wish he loved me. I wish he would just be what I need him to be. I also know now that trying to turn someone into what you need them to be for your own benefit is an arrogant way of life that presupposes that you are exactly what and who you are supposed to be and he is the one that's flawed. The reality is that we're all flawed and we're all okay. We just have to find someone who's flaws we can handle and one who can handle ours.
So much of my life has been about trying to "fix" myself. I'm still trying to straighten my life out but this means different things than it used to. Now it means finding acceptance that I don't need to be fixed, that I'm okay being who I am.
When I read "food love and god" by ganeen roth I started trying to stop escapism in my life. I tried to stop using food as a drug and I have been doing better than I was before. But the thought of giving up escapism for good is scary as shit. I keep putting that day off another day. Like okay- I'll allow myself to smoke tonight but tomorrow I'll quit. The excuses are plenty.
Last week I had set a firm date to stop smoking- I was going away for a week to my friend's place. I knew that if I had any hope at all of quitting then it wouldn't be in my mad house. The week prior I binged every night! I smoked more! I was so scared of giving it up that I tried to grab all I could before it was gone. I wonder where that idea about life came from. The belief that if I don't take all I can now there will be nothing left for me. Hmmm.
My therapist tells me that when I am curious about something in my life and I need an answer that I should ask the question out loud and an answer will come to me. It actually works a lot of the time. The trick is to actually believe the answer. So often what is best in our lives is the same as what is hardest. I hope I get the answer and when I have it I hope I have the strength and grace to accept it.
I wish closure meant that the pain just left. I've said all I have to and now I'm just left with the hurt that remains. I miss him. I wish reality wasn't what it is. I wouldn't turn back the clock even if I could- but I wish he loved me. I wish he would just be what I need him to be. I also know now that trying to turn someone into what you need them to be for your own benefit is an arrogant way of life that presupposes that you are exactly what and who you are supposed to be and he is the one that's flawed. The reality is that we're all flawed and we're all okay. We just have to find someone who's flaws we can handle and one who can handle ours.
So much of my life has been about trying to "fix" myself. I'm still trying to straighten my life out but this means different things than it used to. Now it means finding acceptance that I don't need to be fixed, that I'm okay being who I am.
When I read "food love and god" by ganeen roth I started trying to stop escapism in my life. I tried to stop using food as a drug and I have been doing better than I was before. But the thought of giving up escapism for good is scary as shit. I keep putting that day off another day. Like okay- I'll allow myself to smoke tonight but tomorrow I'll quit. The excuses are plenty.
Last week I had set a firm date to stop smoking- I was going away for a week to my friend's place. I knew that if I had any hope at all of quitting then it wouldn't be in my mad house. The week prior I binged every night! I smoked more! I was so scared of giving it up that I tried to grab all I could before it was gone. I wonder where that idea about life came from. The belief that if I don't take all I can now there will be nothing left for me. Hmmm.
My therapist tells me that when I am curious about something in my life and I need an answer that I should ask the question out loud and an answer will come to me. It actually works a lot of the time. The trick is to actually believe the answer. So often what is best in our lives is the same as what is hardest. I hope I get the answer and when I have it I hope I have the strength and grace to accept it.
Replies
Oh good for you, quitting smoking is so hard! I have been fighting to quit for as long as I can remember. You can do it! We can do it!
Thank you so much- it\'s may 9th and i\'m giving it another go. I think I got it this time. We\'ll see.