the 2nd first time

so i've up n done it now. now i feel. . . . . empty, i think. i wish i hadn't done it. i'm glad i had done it. i have conflicted feelings about having done it. but right now i just want to be all by myself, and not face him again. right now, i'm so done with him. i don't want to have anything to do with him.
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i started talking to nick in november. we became official on jan 11. we just had sex today, jan 31. i promised myself i wouldn't have sex until i got on birth control again. well, i'm not on it yet. i also told him my decision about that, and he was understanding. but we kept fooling around, and today it went past that point where i cant say no, and i allowed it, of course. so not only am i disappointed in myself-not even disappointed..there's not even a word for it. i hate myself for breaking my promise to myself. and i also wanted our 2nd first time to be special, but it wasn't, not really. it was terrifying, yet wonderful. i love the feel of his cock in me, it's a perfect fit. but, i'm not on b.c. and he didn't use a condom, so it was terrifying. and exciting, because it was so wrong. why do i allow myself to enjoy this behavior?????
now i dont know how i feel about the whole thing. the sex thing, the relationship thing.... i mean, just now, i got sidetracked on fb and thought about wanting to hang with/fuck shawn. and i just keep feeling like i wish i would've waited. i was getting the hang of not having sex... it's just such a mixed up mess in my head.