The 2nd
So, It's March 2nd. Cassi shot herself February 2nd. A month ago, a lifetime ago. I think I will hate the number 2 for the rest of my life. I know I will hate that date, the 2nd. My poor, addled mind remains razor sharp in this one thing...figuring and refiguring...imagining, wondering...what happened??? What was she thinking...what if, what if, what if...I want to know details, every single detail. I don't know why but I do.
This is my life now...I will have a 2nd every single month the rest of my life.
I was asleep. I had worked the night before and was supposed to go into work that night. She would have known I was sleeping and wouldn't have wanted to wake me up...even if she would have been willing to talk to me. Sometimes she did and sometimes she didn't. I wouldn't have had any answers...just like now, no one has any answers for me. They try.
The questions, the torment...did she mean to do it??? did her medication alter her thinking?? was she distraught over her perceived break-up??? there are so many variables, so many things that could have happened to prevent it. Tiny things...if her roommates had been home...OMG!!! OH MY DEAR GOD!!! WHERE IS MY BABY??? I had so many plans. SHE had so many plans.
A month of crying into towels...tissue is stupid, it can't handle my tears. Tissue is for small lady-like tears of women with a tear slipping down their faces. Not the gallons of tears produced by a mother whose only child had shot herself, killed herself...gone away and taken everything I thought I knew and believed in with her. Taken all the plans I made, the hopes I had.
I want to call the medical examiner. Does anyone know if they will answer my questions??? They haven't issued an official cause of death yet. She had taken all the klonopin she had, so they are waiting on toxicology reports which can take up to 12 weeks. It's so stupid. She put a 38 caliber bullet through the frontal cortex of her brain. A hollow point bullet. Those are hollow so that on impact they open up and make a larger wound. A solid bullet will remain solid, the wound will be the same size as the bullet. The hollow point opens up like a flower...to make a larger wound, more deadly. That was what was in the gun. They won't release her things to us until they get an official cause of death. I cant go thru her cell phone, who did she text last??? It's just common sense to me, if the klonopin or any other medication had caused her death she would have been unable to get the gun, step outside and do it. It. What she did. The cause of death was a 38 caliber gunshot thru her brain...but until those damn reports get back, nothing can be finished. The police won't give us her stuff. None of her business can be wrapped up, her accounts, etc. The insurance company won't pay, so we can't pay for her funeral...because they want to know what drugs she had taken. What difference does it make??? I want her phone. I want to go thru her texts, her last calls. Maybe there will be some answers...it won't bring her back, but I am obsessed with finding out everything.
Seriously, can anyone tell me if I should call the medical examiner??? Or go to the office??? Will my pleas for information matter???
This is my life now...I will have a 2nd every single month the rest of my life.
I was asleep. I had worked the night before and was supposed to go into work that night. She would have known I was sleeping and wouldn't have wanted to wake me up...even if she would have been willing to talk to me. Sometimes she did and sometimes she didn't. I wouldn't have had any answers...just like now, no one has any answers for me. They try.
The questions, the torment...did she mean to do it??? did her medication alter her thinking?? was she distraught over her perceived break-up??? there are so many variables, so many things that could have happened to prevent it. Tiny things...if her roommates had been home...OMG!!! OH MY DEAR GOD!!! WHERE IS MY BABY??? I had so many plans. SHE had so many plans.
A month of crying into towels...tissue is stupid, it can't handle my tears. Tissue is for small lady-like tears of women with a tear slipping down their faces. Not the gallons of tears produced by a mother whose only child had shot herself, killed herself...gone away and taken everything I thought I knew and believed in with her. Taken all the plans I made, the hopes I had.
I want to call the medical examiner. Does anyone know if they will answer my questions??? They haven't issued an official cause of death yet. She had taken all the klonopin she had, so they are waiting on toxicology reports which can take up to 12 weeks. It's so stupid. She put a 38 caliber bullet through the frontal cortex of her brain. A hollow point bullet. Those are hollow so that on impact they open up and make a larger wound. A solid bullet will remain solid, the wound will be the same size as the bullet. The hollow point opens up like a flower...to make a larger wound, more deadly. That was what was in the gun. They won't release her things to us until they get an official cause of death. I cant go thru her cell phone, who did she text last??? It's just common sense to me, if the klonopin or any other medication had caused her death she would have been unable to get the gun, step outside and do it. It. What she did. The cause of death was a 38 caliber gunshot thru her brain...but until those damn reports get back, nothing can be finished. The police won't give us her stuff. None of her business can be wrapped up, her accounts, etc. The insurance company won't pay, so we can't pay for her funeral...because they want to know what drugs she had taken. What difference does it make??? I want her phone. I want to go thru her texts, her last calls. Maybe there will be some answers...it won't bring her back, but I am obsessed with finding out everything.
Seriously, can anyone tell me if I should call the medical examiner??? Or go to the office??? Will my pleas for information matter???
Replies
I have no answers for you, I\'m so so so very sorry. This story and this journal breaks my heart. I am crying with you, for you, as I read these tragic pleas from a loving mother. I know this doesn\'t help, but your baby girl is at peace. Whatever happened, and whatever she was thinking, has all been resolved for her now. Only you are left with open wounds and open questions and dialog of what if that will subside and settle over time. Your baby girl is with my baby boy in a place that doesn\'t have to worry about such leftover things, things that don\'t matter. I\'m just so sorry that you are left with these thoughts, these images, these questions. Hugs to you today.
OMG!!! I can actually feel your pain, just reading your words!! I am so sorry. I do not know if the medical examiner will give you answers, or not. All they can do is say no....When they are through with all of their tests, they should be forthcoming, with whatever the findings are.
Try very hard to take excellent care of yourself now. Sometimes, all we can manage to do, is to put one foot in front of the other and breathe and that is okay...
(((HUGS)))...Julia
I remember the constant thoughts, questions, wanting to know... It is such a helpless feeling. It is overwhelming, all the thoughts, repeating over and over in our brains, thinking about the last time we spoke to them. There are just no words, even after the investigations, nothing changes. We play the endless coulda, woulda, shoulda game, but that does not help. Right now you just need to take care of yourself. This is a time of intense grieving, a time when one of the grief books describes as intensive care.
For now, know we walk hand in hand, heart to heart. Remember to breathe, let it out, breathe, let it out. This will help get you through.
Loving hugs,
Leda
Your compassion helps, it means a lot. Thank You
IF IT WAS ME I WOULD CALL THE MEDICAL EXAMINER. I THINK WHEN A CHILD COMMITS SUICIDE THE PARENTS ALWAYS WONDER WHY? lIKE LEDA SAID. BLESS YOUR SPECIAL ANGEL , LOVE MARY ANN.
My heart breaks for you....I know it\'s painful to wait for those awful reports. I had to wait also. My child was killed by a drunk driver, he was a passenger in the car that was being driven by a young man that he knew. So we had to wait for official ME reports, Highway patrol reports, coroners reports and sheriff\'s reports. I spent many hours on the phone with insurance companies, creditors, banks, schools... each one wanting that one bit of information that pained me to give them. The official death certificate...hate hate hated to even see it let alone copy and mail it to each and everyone of them.
It\'s very difficult to wait but you can call them and maybe they can give you a idea when they will complete the report.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Gina.
Love and Hugs for strength and support, Vera
I do know from working in a hospital that generally the Medical Examiners will not disclose info until they have concluded with everything. They just do not want to give any false information and it does take a long time. This is standard for most states that I know of and yes, they may be able to give you a timeline of when you will receive it. Reading the ME report just as looking at the death certificate are surreal moments as this is not something that any mother should ever have to do in her lifetime. My heart still races when I come upon the envelope that these are contained in. Deepest of sighs...
One will never know what went through Cassi\'s mind and heart in that fateful last moment. She had to be looking for a release from this earth path which was just too much for her to bear. I have a friend who helped me so much in the very beginning of my walk after my son\'s death in letting me know that she feels that some souls are just too sensitive and feel so very deeply that being on this earth is too much for them this time around. These will be the eternal questions that I will always wonder as well. (My son was a drug overdose so they walk hand in hand.)
Sending you heartfelt care as you wait and wonder... None of this will bring her back as you said, yet perhaps a few puzzle pieces will be given. I know you need something tangible to hold onto and all of it feels so illusive right now. If it has been four weeks you should receive info in the next two weeks or so. Standard ME investigations are between 4-6 weeks in most cases.
May you find what you need just for today,
Gentle care and understanding,
XO Joanie