THAT OVERWHELMING PAIN

Here it is again. That horrible overwhelMing pain that my mind is back at the hospital. My son has taken his last breath...there now lays a lifeless body that once was breathing, laughing, planning, football games, love of his family and now I look upon a body that is the shell of my son..he no longer breaths, no long a smile, no longer can he raise his hand to hold mine.  My mind looks at this body laying there, looks like my son, but there is no life in him..it is just a shell.  That is what I am thinking as I stand over that bed in the ICU unit.  The shell of a body that is no longer there..his spirit, his soul, his personality it's all gone now, all that is left is a lifeless body that once was my sweet son..in no time his body will be cold, the color will be drained.  He looks so peaceful but not because he is well, not because the cancer was cured. No because now lays before me this baby, turned into a man has completed his earthly job.  How did I feel empty, lonely, helpless. His body lays there no movement,  everything that was him is now gone.  The son who was once full of life now will become a memory...not to ever see in this world again. As a mother's heart has broken, a heart that Will never be whole again...a heart that will cry out for her son to come back. What's a mom to do...shed the tears, feel pain like never before.  Everyday from that moment a mom's heart will never be the same.  The nurses ask us to leave the room, a bit later we can go back and say our goodbyes..i don't want to return. My son my living son is not laying in that room...I left the room knowing he was gone, I scream,fall to the ground, begging hoping somehow this is a horrible dream, yet I return to the room. Before me lays what looks like my son...but I know it is just the shell that once held my  vibrant son...and now they will take him away never for my eyes to even see my living son or the shell that once held the person I brought into this world called him Kenny is now memories. Memories of my first born son that I today still do not understand why.  The pain in my heart as broken in pieces as it was that cold December night.  I ask myself again. Why God why he was just my baby.  Missing you today as much as ever..loving you as much as ever.  No answer ever come to give me relief. Nothing of this whole thing makes sense.  Such a wonderful son taken why...I miss you my sweet Kenny..forever, mom

Replies

MomofJosh
MomofJosh

I know... I could go back to my own \"moment of knowing\" with our son. I will not though because it just makes my body sick and I have worked SO HARD to make it better!!! Josh is also sending signs to let me know he no longer wants me grieving so much.
Hugs,
Leda
saltwatercowgirl
saltwatercowgirl

So much heartache we moms face without our precious children. I am so so sorry Kenny is not here, physically, with you. Standing with you, praying for moments of peace and comfort. (((hugs))) Vicki
dddsantos151yahoocom
dddsantos151yahoocom

I am so sorry for you and what you and I saw. I to saw my Justin lay asleep looking like an angel when I went that morning to the hospital. He was still warm and looked peaceful like he was sleeping away having a happy dream. It broke my heart to kiss him goodbye and to tell him I am going to miss him, boy did my heart break that morning. I understand what you are feeling and wish I could give you a real hug.XOX, Debbie
forhim1122
forhim1122

This beautiful journal broke my heart and I\'m crying as I write this. I could have written this - it could have been my words. My beautiful lifeless son, taken by cancer. But we beat it - he had to leave me and go to heaven to be rid of the disease. And then he was cold, and they told me I could leave. And I was as frozen as his cold body, not sure how I could leave and not sure how I could stay. But I knew I\'d never see him again. And that moment of time will forever stay imprinted on my mind.
NellW
NellW

Sandi, you know I know exactly what you saw. Because that was the way the end was for us with our Jeff even to the nurses asking us to leave the room. All the crying and begging but now wondering begging to who because I had begged and cried and prayed for days to no avail. I can feel the pain that you talked about in your journal like it was yesterday. Your journal really touched my heart tonight. Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself and Kenny. I know your Kenny and my Jeff suffered so much in their final days and we will never know \"Why\". It all seems so unfair and Oh how my Jeff fought to the end and believed he would get out of that hospital bed and go home to his family....Love you My Friend, Nell
mummar
mummar

It\'s a terrible thing to watch one\'s child fight and lose the battle against this disease. I probably should\'t say it but I will - I just wish if this had been David\'s time to go that it could have been instant. Quick. Bam and gone. No suffering, no awful treatments, no pain, no mind games, no knowing that you weren\'t going to make it - just gone. Sometimes the thought of what David went through to try to live hurts the most. If he had lived, his suffering could have justified - but he didn\'t and it wasn\'t. Take care ~ Joanna x
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

Tight hugs Sandi. Even after 5 years it seems incomprehensible. Wishing you peace.
Love, Marlene
jmk1973
jmk1973

Tears fall, as I read this journal. I am so sorry, for your loss and pain. I cannot allow my mind to go \"there\", because I will fall apart....once again....

(((((HUGS))))), Julia
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

I\'m with you as you stand at the abyss, look deep within and remember.

You are not alone and we\'ll hold your hand as you step away from the abyss when you are ready to. I cannot go there often because it just hurts too much, yet when I do, it helps to grab a hand of someone else who walks this with me for support to gently nudge me back into my life.

Heartfelt (((hugs))) of care and understanding, Sandi,
XO Joanie
PLA58
PLA58

Understand completely
((((hugs))))
bunnyturbo
bunnyturbo

I so understand !! I can not let my mind go to the time I was told my son died or to the mortuary when I physically saw my son for the last time. I don\'t even like to look at pictures of him when he was older it hurts toooooo much. I wonder if I will ever be able too. My heart aches with you . Hugs , Mari
CFMOM2
CFMOM2

Knowing the pain they suffered just trying to live is what hurts so very much. Time does not heal this wound. I pray for some peace for all of us. With you in heart today. Kathy xoxox