That brick building again

Seems I was right to be concerned about school starting- even if I wasn't sure exactly why. Just this nagging feeling. Today was day two and I'm already knee deep in brooding. 

It's not surprising that I'd be less happy overall if I had to spend 7 hours a day (including transportation) somewhere I feel uncomfortable and worked, then have it follow me home in the form of homework and studying and pressure. This whole overbearing thing- school- it won't leave me alone until summer comes again next year. I forgot how bleedingly heavy it is. Of course there's the aspect of doing work I do not enjoy and doesn't pertain to my interests all the time, but there's also the social/mental aspect of it.

School simply wasn't made for people like me, or like us. Not introverts, not empaths, not people with mental illness. It's exhausting as an introvert to spend so much time around people. I noticed that even sitting in the classroom automatically makes me feel weaker- uncapable- a social outcast. It makes me feel nervous. I guess it's something left over from before. I didn't have problems like that over the summer, not even in the small, kindly summer classes I attended. School is just a cesspool. People are ignorant- and loud- the halls are overcrowded- the bureaucracy is stifling- and the social aspect is exhausting. My trust issues or whatever the heck it is is really kicking in here. I'm questioning all my friends already on day two- and since I hardly see them due to differing classes, I'm forced to think of making new friends. How does that one work? I may be a strong, confident presence over the summer but I'm reduced to awkwardness at school. It's in the walls themselves, the ground we walk on, expressions on passing faces. 

I feel so out of place here- me, a thinker, an artist, a lover of complicated topics, I don't naturally make small talk about a teacher, the homework, other people. I love one-on-one conversations, not the group chats that happen at school, the silent watchers, the social pressure, people walking back and forth in the background. I feel trapped, muffled, I can't express myself, I feel weak, I feel out of place.  I feel there is no one for me here. And I can't damn well find anybody because I'm too socially awkward and untrusting to speak to anyone new in the first place. 

I remember all of this from previous years but this year it's hitting especially hard because I'm noticing acutely every difference that's hitting me, every weakness appearing under my skin, and it bothers me. Words are coming out of my mouth without my permission, my tired face squeezes itself into laughter, I'm adapting without even trying to. I'm turning fake. All of it is just disturbing. 

The trust, the social aspects, talking, opening up, gaining confidence, all of it. 

I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by all of it like I did in previous years. I never realized the full extent of it until now, fresh from summer with a clean perspective and maturity from growing up. I at least assure myself that no matter what comes my way, I'll survive and continue on.