Thanksgiving aftermath
I don't know if anyone ever feels good when they're bloated- but I feel absolutely horrible. The physical pain is a given- but the mental aspect- its just unbearable. When I wake up bloted I feel like I don't deserve to live. Like I'm a disgusting human being and I deserve every horrible thing that has happened or will happen to me. Its horrible.
I think I realized why I'm so scared to get close to people. I think it comes from my ma's side of the family and then my ex friend chrissy. They always acted so kind and loving and genuinely happy to see you- until u said or did anything they didn't agree with- then it was like POOF! It all changed in an instant. They went from love to what could only be logically described as hate- and yet according to them there was absolutely nothing wrong w the way they acted. Being nasty as hell and saying horrible things and- this is the worst part- telling me its my fault bc of the thing I said or did that wasn't in line with how they thought I should act. And the things I did or said were always really really simple things. What that did was make me scared to even blink around people who acted they way they always did at first- with extreme compassion- bc I just assumed that anything I did at all would make them take it away. See my dads side of the family wasn't 100% by any means- but they wore it on their sleeves- the meanness, the anger. They never showed the compassion right off the bat- u had to earn it. But once u did- they didn't just take it from u in a blink of an eye. Not to say that either one is to be advised- but if given the choice I'd take the way my father's side of the family acted. Bc to me- that was real.
Still waters run deep. The way I see it was my ma's side of the family never actually meant all of the kind things they said and did- they were just fattening me up for the kill. So when I meet people who are kind to me and show me compassion I'm always suspect- whether or not its deserved. And when I meet people who come accross as harsh and angry I feel comfortable- bc at least I know what I'm getting. That's a fucked way of seeing life. My friend chrissy took that level of fuckedupness to new heights. She was there for me for years- so many times- times where I couldn't breathe and it felt like her being there saved my life. Now chrissy was always self-centered and never extended the basic courtesys to people that most extend. Things like offering gas money when someone drives u somewhere, sending thank u notes out after weddings, saying sorry when she messed up. She was never good at these things- and I let that go for years. I took it and took it bc I loved her- bc she was my family- and bc of how maNy times she helped me when I needed it. Then something changed when I went into law school. The cool, down to earth chrissy bounced- and the snobby, I'm so much better than everyone chrissy arrived and she was here to stay. She always was snobby once and a while- but not the majority of the time- then that stopped. It got to the point where 9 out of 10 conversations chrissy would roll her eyes whenever I spoke, act like everything I said was ridiculous, etc. And the worst part of it all is the ways she did it were so insidious that I couldn't say anything- it made me actually question myself. Was she right? Maybe I really am ridiculous. But yet she kept calling every day and night- why? It didn't make sense. Nothing she did made sense. But growing up I was taught that if there is a discrepancy, if something didn't seem right- it was my fault- always. And I saw the way she treated others. She would apologize when she did something to upset them and she always acted so sweet to them. And if I was in the same room- in one breath she would be so sweet to someone else and then roll her eyes when I spoke as if to say "my god- who let that piece of shit in?" It wasn't right- the way she treated me. I've said that a lot. But I think a part of me didn't believe it. Until now. She hurt me. I'm hurt. I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything wrong. So I'm not going to extend anymore fake courtesies. Bc by doing so I am betraying myself. I can't control what others do. But I can promise to never betray myself again.
I think I realized why I'm so scared to get close to people. I think it comes from my ma's side of the family and then my ex friend chrissy. They always acted so kind and loving and genuinely happy to see you- until u said or did anything they didn't agree with- then it was like POOF! It all changed in an instant. They went from love to what could only be logically described as hate- and yet according to them there was absolutely nothing wrong w the way they acted. Being nasty as hell and saying horrible things and- this is the worst part- telling me its my fault bc of the thing I said or did that wasn't in line with how they thought I should act. And the things I did or said were always really really simple things. What that did was make me scared to even blink around people who acted they way they always did at first- with extreme compassion- bc I just assumed that anything I did at all would make them take it away. See my dads side of the family wasn't 100% by any means- but they wore it on their sleeves- the meanness, the anger. They never showed the compassion right off the bat- u had to earn it. But once u did- they didn't just take it from u in a blink of an eye. Not to say that either one is to be advised- but if given the choice I'd take the way my father's side of the family acted. Bc to me- that was real.
Still waters run deep. The way I see it was my ma's side of the family never actually meant all of the kind things they said and did- they were just fattening me up for the kill. So when I meet people who are kind to me and show me compassion I'm always suspect- whether or not its deserved. And when I meet people who come accross as harsh and angry I feel comfortable- bc at least I know what I'm getting. That's a fucked way of seeing life. My friend chrissy took that level of fuckedupness to new heights. She was there for me for years- so many times- times where I couldn't breathe and it felt like her being there saved my life. Now chrissy was always self-centered and never extended the basic courtesys to people that most extend. Things like offering gas money when someone drives u somewhere, sending thank u notes out after weddings, saying sorry when she messed up. She was never good at these things- and I let that go for years. I took it and took it bc I loved her- bc she was my family- and bc of how maNy times she helped me when I needed it. Then something changed when I went into law school. The cool, down to earth chrissy bounced- and the snobby, I'm so much better than everyone chrissy arrived and she was here to stay. She always was snobby once and a while- but not the majority of the time- then that stopped. It got to the point where 9 out of 10 conversations chrissy would roll her eyes whenever I spoke, act like everything I said was ridiculous, etc. And the worst part of it all is the ways she did it were so insidious that I couldn't say anything- it made me actually question myself. Was she right? Maybe I really am ridiculous. But yet she kept calling every day and night- why? It didn't make sense. Nothing she did made sense. But growing up I was taught that if there is a discrepancy, if something didn't seem right- it was my fault- always. And I saw the way she treated others. She would apologize when she did something to upset them and she always acted so sweet to them. And if I was in the same room- in one breath she would be so sweet to someone else and then roll her eyes when I spoke as if to say "my god- who let that piece of shit in?" It wasn't right- the way she treated me. I've said that a lot. But I think a part of me didn't believe it. Until now. She hurt me. I'm hurt. I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything wrong. So I'm not going to extend anymore fake courtesies. Bc by doing so I am betraying myself. I can't control what others do. But I can promise to never betray myself again.
Replies