11-24-09: First of all, I am back on my anti-depressant. I don't think it helps and then when I don't take it for two days, I notice a difference. I think Thanksgiving is as hard for me as Christmas. As I told a friend of mine, Scotty used to pick turkey off the bird before it was carved...I would playfully slap his hand and then pick a piece off for myself. I make Gooey Butter Cake the day before. When I got up in the morning, one piece was gone...you guessed it. And, when he was younger, I used to make fudge. He would be at his grandparents home (adjoining farms) and run across the field (1/3 mile) for a piece of fudge and a glass of milk. Then, he would run back to their house. These were things only Scott ever did. I miss him so much. Losing so many others, recently, brought back so many memories. It was like picking at a scab only to have a fresh wound. I HATE funeral homes. I hate the visitation, service, etc. Although none affect me like Scott, they do make me think. Mostly, I don't like to think. I feel numb at these events. I don't really cry. I think others think me cold. (I don't care) But, it is not that I am not sad of their passing, I am. It is just that it makes me think of Scott's passing and service. That is never a nice thing! I really want to remember Scott and feel joy in my memories. For now, the memories just make me sad. Oh, I am so blessed to have them. I know that. But, I know the memories are all I have, now. I want him here! I also know there are many who feel the same way. There are many who have lost their only child or more than one. I can't EVEN imagine! But, the knowing does not help my ache. I think if I had a dozen children and lost one, I would feel the same way. Anyway, the holidays are upon us. I keep telling myself "One breath at a time." I have said that to so many. Now, if I can remember to take my own advice! The journey continues!