Thankful for what?

Thanksgiving is approaching quickly. I booked a flight for Luke to come into town for the holiday. Thankfully dad has told me that it is OK to go to mom's for thanksgiving dinner. I am sure that I will stay at moms with her and Luke, but my real living area is here at my dad's house in Platt Park. I can't wait to show Luke my room and the rest of our living space. I am stressed even though I have no need to be. I have to be doing some school work while I am on this 10 day break. I still need to do somethings to prepare for the snow and winter. My money for this month is almost depleted. I think that I have around eighty dollars and maybe a little more. Most of it is cash and I am hoping to not spend it throughout the Thanksgiving period, though I always spend a ton of money on things like gas. And driving back and forth to the airport is going to run through a ton of fuel. 
 
I am feeling tired and wasted. I wake up so early because I think that I am going to be judged by my family if I am not early to rise. It's 9:20pm here and I am so tired and I want to go to sleep, but I can't fall asleep. I think that my psychiatrist is really new because she is so nervous to do things over the phone or in haste. At least Dr Power knew me and felt as though she could trust me enough to take the blood tests and fill medications and then when I can I'll go see the doctor. She wants constant supervision over me as if I am trying to abuse her services or the medication in general. Which, I can understand since I take an alarming amount of the drug xanax. I think that I will take some of that before I go to bed even though I think that it gives me a hangover in the morning. I supposed I'll take the risk. But, my mom tells me that it would not give me that effect and it must be something else that I am doing. Though, I have a few drinks here at home this evening so I hope that wont have a major impact on my morning. I can't wait to make some coffee and wake p in the morning. I wonder what I am going to do with the entire day. 
 
I feel restless not having a plan for tomorrow. I want to do something that will eat at the time so the day will go by faster. I don't want to go out and spend money and I don't want to use the gas form the car... maybe if I am using someone els's car. Today I was lucky because I had dad's credit card and I could top off my tank right before getting home. So now I have a full tank and don't want the needle to move until next week. I just don't have the money to do anything. I wonder how much money Luke is coming with even though he just asked for money to be transferred from mom. But, that is none of my business.
 
I keep thinking of suicide. I have so many pills that I can make a lethal cocktail and just sleep into my death or coma. The thoughts scare me sometimes because of the frequency of them and the power in which they hit me. I am so tired of this. I am so tired.
 
Goodnight moon.