thankful and scared
hi girls. I am thankful. so thankful. so so so thankful. but I am so scared, every minute of every day. I am sleeping, eating, functioning, laughing.....you would never know it by looking at me or talking to me. my heart rate isn't out of control, I am actually rather calm, but my tummy is nervous as all hell and (TMI) I have to go to the bathroom at least once or twice a day (OPPOSITE of constipation).
I want to connect to this baby, I want to connect to being pregnant, but I can't. I did so from the first second the last time around and it ended so devestatingly horrific. I didn't think I'd recover. so I guess I am trying to protect myself this time around.
I am SURE this sounds so ungrateful and those who are yet to get their BFPs are probably like, "seriously, you are such an a$$hole." and I am sorry. i don't mean to be. I am just terrfied. every time I start to get excited, and think of things like when my 1st trimester will be over or what my due date is or what size of a fruit my baby is now, I get paralized with fear and I resolve to just be detached and vague for now....until when, I don't know.
can anyone else rate?
I want to connect to this baby, I want to connect to being pregnant, but I can't. I did so from the first second the last time around and it ended so devestatingly horrific. I didn't think I'd recover. so I guess I am trying to protect myself this time around.
I am SURE this sounds so ungrateful and those who are yet to get their BFPs are probably like, "seriously, you are such an a$$hole." and I am sorry. i don't mean to be. I am just terrfied. every time I start to get excited, and think of things like when my 1st trimester will be over or what my due date is or what size of a fruit my baby is now, I get paralized with fear and I resolve to just be detached and vague for now....until when, I don't know.
can anyone else rate?
Replies
I think most of the ladies on this site who have gotten BFPs feel the same way, especially if they have experienced a loss before. I am currently PUPO and am scared. Don\'t know if that will go away for awhile and I am trying to be excited but not overly excited. Even if I get a BFP on my beta next week, I think I will still be reserved about my excitement for awhile.
Try to enjoy this time, but also understand protecting your heart.
First off, CONGRATS on being pregnant!! Its totally understandable that you are feeling the way you do. I think its impossible not to feel extremely nervous and scared after a mc. I am sending you so much strength and peace and hoping you find a way to feel some joy. xoxo
That is totally normal after a loss. I didn\'t sleep for weeks- up at 2-3am for the day just worrying. I totally understand what you are going through. It will get a little easier but I still worry. I am 23 weeks. Still check for blood at every potty and at the the beginning of the pregnancy, I was the same as you- going more than once a day. This didn\'t help my anxiety because I seem to have all of the opposite \"normal\" symptoms of pregnancy. I craved not feeling well because it would have made me feel like the pregnancy was going well. You will slowly start to feel better once you start passing the important milestones, but after all we have been through, I doubt it will disappear completely! Until they are born and here- but then I fill find even more things to be anxious about! ;-)
Good luck and congratulations! :)
Hey! I can so relate. I am 9 weeks and I am still terrified to get excited completely. It gets easier with each passing day and each ultrasound. The comfort I found between each ultrasound is recording the ultrasound experience. That way I can relive it over and over. I know then it was not a dream or my imagination playing games (I have no symptoms). The constant reminder always helps me :) I also tell my bean I love him/her everyday. It gives me an extra connection with my little bean. I hope this helps! :) I\'m always here if you need someone to talk to or vent with :)
Totally normal. I don\'t think I will stop worrying until the day I hold the baby in my arms. But, try to enjoy being pregnant, I am and hoping that each day brings good news.
I thunk it comes with the IF territory, unfortunately. I\'m almost 22 weeks and still struggling with this. Try to enjoy this experience as much as possible, even though it\'s hard :)
agreed it def comes with IF.. I have been scared my entire pregnancy and I am now 36 weeks and just now started to buy stuff for her and start looking at names.. i was so afraid to get attached (even tho you already are) but i mean actually have it be real.. good luck hun
You are not an asshole! You have every right to feel nervous and scared you have endured so much heart break. I pray that you will find your time to be excited and fall in love with your miracle.
I\'m still very nervous as well. Every time I use the bathroom I\'m terrified I may see blood or like now waiting for beta # 2 is killing me. I\'m so worried my happiness can be taken away from me at any moment.
Thank you girls so much. I don\'t like that you can relate, b\'c you shouldn\'t have to go through this, but I feel better knowing I\'m not crazy and I am not alone. xoxo
You\'re not crazy! I am 6W4D and terrified that something could be wrong. It\'s almost like i look forward to going to sleep at night b/c it\'s the only time I don\'t worry . I feel friggin crazy and Obessesive I hate feeling this way but after a prior loss I am a basket case and over analyzing everything.
so I just got my call and my 3rd beta is just over 1300 (it was 629 on Tuesday) so it definitely doubled. but my RE wants a FOURTH beta on Monday. that makes me nervous. is something wrong?
I can totally relate, when I first got my BFP, let\'s just say I was cautiously excited and still am, some people didn\'t get it and don\'t understand why I\'m not over the moon. I am very happy but I think it\'s just our way of protecting ourselves incase something horrible happens. Us IF\'ers have to be cautious in our feelings because we have been through so much disappointmet. Then we put in our head that why would anything actually go well. I think you are doing great and I am going day by day as well at almost 10 weeks now. I wish you the best of luck!
I don\'t think there\'s anything to worry about, those are great numbers! I honestly think it depends on the RE, for example, my RE only did two Betas then I had to wait until the ultrasound and I so wanted more betas to make sure! Sounds like your little bean is on the right track!
Nah nothing to worry about I had 4 betas and my 3rd was close to what yours is.
It sounds completely normal to me! I haven\'t gotten a BFP yet, and you absolutely do NOT sounds like an ass to me! I can understand that it is really hard to feel elated when you have known nothing but heartache. I fear the first trimester and I\'ve never even been pregnant. How\'s that for a nutcase!? You deserve to be happy, but you can\'t force it. Try taking it one day at a time. Know that no matter how happy you \"let\" yourself get, it won\'t make it hurt any less if you protected yourself. I hope that you can get through this and feel as happy as you deserve!