Thank you, my precious DS sisters!
Reading Joanie's and Gina's last journals, brought a light to the darkest corner of my heart! Many years ago, before I had my children, I attempted suicide a few times. Then, years later, when my late husband was very sick and I battled with Colleen's deteriorating health, while having a hard time living with my in-laws, I once again decided to end my life, and take Colleen with me. I had everything planned for the Monday. On the Sunday Colleen and I went to church, so I could ask forgiveness from God for what I planned to do......
When the church choir started singing, Colleen suddenly got up and indicated that she wanted to join the choir. I was very surprised! I helped her walk to where the choir was, she took one lady's hand, and "sang" with them. While they were singing, God spoke to me and asked me who am I to interfere with His unfinished work? He said that He still had a plan with Colleen's life, and that He is still in control. At that moment I felt ashamed, and decided to never ever plan suicide again. God used Colleen once again to change people's lives!!
So now I decided to not plan my death, but rather to not care about my health very much. This way I let nature take its course, and let things just be....... And still I see God working in my life everyday. I never watch the news or read any newspapers, because I don't care about what's happening in the world. I smoke and drink lots of coffee, because those are my "crutches" that helps me get through each day. I don't plan a future for myself, but rather just live through every today.
Gina gave me the courage to talk about this very dark corner in my heart for the first time! And I feel a since of relief now. Thank you, all of my very special sisters of the heart!! You are my only and very precious support system on this painful journey!!
Lots of love to each one of you!! xxx
Replies
Absolutely, it is the best when we can share our heart, knowing we will be understood and loved in the midst of our turmoil....Hugs to you today - sending much love....Vicki
Bringing this out and into the open takes tremendous courage dear Andelene, and it's what I constantly try to impart here on FMO that what we think, feel and express matters because we MATTER. I always have this sense that there are moms reading and actually believing that they have nothing worth value to share or if they do share they might "step on toes" and if I could stand on a soap box and give a talk it would be about just this. Because of Gina's vulnerability and transparency she helped you tap into your inner BEing and find yours. This is what FMO is all about and was Barbara's vision from the beginning that no one needed to feel all alone on this path and that we could share our hearts and allow others to share theirs.
I am SO glad you are here and that God used Colleen to speak to you and that once again you are open and are listening. Sometimes those cosmic two by fours come down and give us a good wallop don't they? :)
Keep writing, sharing, doing whatever it takes dear sister of the heart and know that everything you express is held here lovingly and with the deepest of care. YOU matter as do ALL of us and it's in the sharing that we heal.
Onward warrior mama, Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Awwww....thank you so much for sharing. God has never spoken to me, not that I know of. I am always envious when I hear of that experience.
I've struggled with thoughts of suicide often through the years... hard to explain to people how we get to that point... I'm so very glad you are seeing where you have power in your life... Its the only way we can make changes. Big hugs. Elissa
You are so brave Andelene. I truly believe we are here for a reason. When it is our time, we will join our beloved girls. Tight hugs, M