Thanks

I did answer ya'lls comments on the previous entry and now I'll continue; I felt exhausted today and could not stay out of bed, until 2:30 pm. I had breakfast and lunch, and watched my recording of "So You Think You Can Dance" from last night; then I layed back down. Now I'm feeling better. Tonight the family and I go into San Antonio to see "The Man of La Mancha" at the san Pedro Playhouse; it's a live stage show, and I'm looking forward to getting out.

But I can't remember if I told you about what happened yesterday: I took my blood pressure and it was 141 over 71, and my heart rate was 93 beats per minute. That's not so fantastic compared to my normal rate which is 120/80 at 60, it's WHEN it happened! At 4:42 a.m. when I was fast asleep. It woke me up, with a dry mouth. To my recollection I was not having any nightmares or any REM sleep. I phoned in the symptoms to my doctor this morning just in case it was significant to him, it surely seemed significant to me! We'll see what happens.

During this 'meditative' down time this morning I had a query come to me: What if I'm not depressed? What if I'm BORED! What if my crazy litle mind is so busy and detailed that it needs stimulation to be enthusiastic? Too much stimulation, from outside, causes anxiety issues; too little stimulation,from the inside, also causes anxiety. What makes it such an interesting question is that it relates to my detailed obsession/compulsion for happiness. I like to delve deeply into things and if they're too shallow or too easy to figure out the principles of operation, I get bored; I lose interest. (Maybe that's why I prefer some women; they're very complex, many attached details and ideas to talk about.) Maybe I don't have anything truely interesting to work on; even as an occupation. That's what has me interested in phychology, a new field to learn new things.

In answer to MGS1's question about future clients who don't want details, that's fine. I'll either learn to kep the details to myself as I treat them, or refer them to someone else. If I can't help them with my style then I'll get them help somewhere else. Being a therapist doesn't mean I'm FORCED to help anybody and everybody. I don't become someone's slave because they ask help, that would be....well...co-dependent! I actually have a choice in the matter. besides, I figure there are plenty of the other kind to take care of them until I learn how to do it better, if I even need to.

That's it for now.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I think it\'s couragaous, your decision to go into therapy. I enjoy studying that field too, but I think if I actually went into it I would have to fight my codependent tendencies non-stop. A real nightmare for me.

I\'m glad you have found something you enjoy though.
mgs1
mgs1

Hmmm... but then that begs the question. Have you learned the importance of work is to make \"you\" happy and not how much money you make? Competing goals and objectives may create another level of frustration for you...
Richeart
Richeart

I\'m getting there, Gwen. If I enjoy the work constantly, then I may not need the money as an alternative to having something fulfilling to do. In other words which reward do I really want? I would want the money to balance the lack of satisfaction of the work; if I\'m going to be miserable and anxiety-ridden every day I will want to be paid extra for the inconvenience for my life; I need the money to help pay for the things that help me feel good. If I\'m enjoying every minute of what I\'m doing, I don\'t need the money for an alternative way to find satisfaction outside of what I\'m doing. HOWEVER! That does not mean I would not take both. My point is that the money is not the driving force or the necessity; it\'s not the object. Self-satisfaction IS! Money doesn\'t buy happiness; happiness buys happiness. You can have a lot of money and be miserable, and you can be happy without a lot of money; AND the other two alternatives are also possible. It all depends on your agreement with your belief system. If you believe you can only be happy with oodles of money, then that will be your experience; you will grieve without meeting that chosen expectation, or self-law. Perhaps it is about one\'s individual need for obsessive/compulsive behavior and thinking. I\'m not obsessed with having millions, it doesn\'t make me who I am as a requirement for a self-image. AS miserable as I seem to believe I am most of the time, I\'m still relatively happy with my life. I enjoy the struggle. This is more about making myself happy rather than needing the money to prove my worth to others by having a lot of money and power. I just want enough power to live in privacy and isolation, to be a loner and enjoy whatever it is that I believe is rewarding, instead of comparing myself to others standards of needs. To be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it is more important to me than \"showing-off how well I can conform to other\'s standards. INDIVIDUALISM UBER ALLES! Probably not how Hitler would have said it, or at least spelled it.