Thanks

All my friends had asked me more than once to stop analyzing so much, so I have. Now it feels strange. Also others have suggested that in so doing, I get more in touch with my feelings, so that's what I'm trying to do here. It's a good lesson. We all want to help others who are having emotional problems, it's why we're recovering codeps. So thanks for the ideas and encouragements. The simple fact is that I feel un-happy at the moment, based on future fears, having a stable income, and knowing I've never had one before. Knowing that I don't work well in the corporate environment because of my ego strength of my ideas and strange reasoning and thought processes. I have a perceptive ability that avoids problems, some of the people I've worked for don't, like ADHD types who act before thinking. Anyway, I felt better when I was doing more analyzing about myself and codependency. I enjoy sharing my discoveries. The books have helped, I defintitely feel a change, but more change is needed. My attitude has changed about somethings. Just now after saying good bye to my wife who's leaving for work, and filling the chicken's water dishes (It's like a meditative break) I had an epiphany. That these jobs are too short, a month or so is a long time, then it's looking for new work again, and I HATE looking for new work; the reason (obstensively) being that the prospect of hunting for new work I perceive as a judgment about myself, my self-worth. Which gets back to the shame thing of blurring who I am (my self-worth) with what I do (other-worth). That any mistakes I make are a reflection of my self-worth, they're not. Maybe I'll run with that thought for today. Maybe it's how I'm feeling about myself that's been causing all the problems. The feelings of "not-being-good-enough" are definitely internal, not external. My internal chatter is still my biggest enemy, and lately I've been catching myself's chatterbox thoughts better than ever, and have been able to realize their nonsense-negativity;so it's working, it's just working very slowly. This week I have another meeting with my counselor and I'm going to set some goals. The original reason I went to any of my four therapists over the years is to discover why I've never had any awareness of a possible career. Most people don't have that problem, and the successful ones certainly don't seem to have it. They've know what they want to do since adolescence. And I want to be successful, they've found their niche', they know themselves, why haven't I? I believe it's a psychological block and I want to find that block. My defense mechanisms have been too strong in the past to let me find out, maybe it's time to crash-the-gates and go 'dragon-slaying. We'll see what happens this week. That's my entry for today, and I'm sticlking to it...