Testimony

In February 2022 I went on a work trip that I was incredibly excited about. The night I arrived I went to bed and woke up a few hours later with my heart pounding. In the blink of an eye my heart rate jumped to 150. I called 911 out of pure fear only to have them arrive and tell me my vitals were normal. My wonderful boss understood I was scared and stayed the night in my room in the spare bed so I wouldn't be alone. The next day after not sleeping and constantly feeling my chest pound, I was treated at an Emergency Room for dehydration. 

Skip ahead by a week or two after numerous ER visits and calls to my cardiologist (who kept saying he thought I was having panic attacks), I was admitted to the hospital so I could see an Electrophysiologist. The first night I was there, the nurse on duty came in to talk to me about what was going on and ask me questions. At one point she asked where my family lived and I told her - it was a small town over an hour away. She said she knew the town I was referring to because she had been in a photographer's guild with a photographer from there. I knew who she was talking about because the photographer happened to be my grandpa. My grandpa and grandmother were the only photographers in that town for ages. The nurse was from a town over an hour in the opposite direction and the fact she knew my grandparents was incredible. She gave me her number before she left her shift so I could keep in touch. 

I called my grandma who is the most religious person I know. I hadn't spoken to her since my grandpa died in 2020, but we started talking about my situation, why I was in the hospital, and the nurse I'd met. My grandma reminded me that God only asks us to be kind, compassionate, and to love others. He doesn't ask a lot of us. She also told me that God answers prayers through people, and the nurse was no coincidence. She was right. 

That night I had terrible anxiety from my heart situation and the night nurse at that time told me the floor tech on duty was one of the most calming people she knew. When the floor tech came in to take my vitals, I realized it was true. She was kind, personable, funny, and comforting. She made a joke about praying for a broken nail and I felt a tug on my heart to ask her if she would pray for me. I had felt that people who don't pray also don't joke about prayer, so I thought it seemed like a good chance she would do it for me. I asked her if she had time later on, would she be willing to come pray for me. Not only did she say yes, but she hurried through the remainder of her vitals just so she could get back to me. 

When she came back in the room, she grabbed my hand and started to pray. I, in turn, started to cry. Ugly, painful, soul-cleansing crying. She hugged me, kissed my cheek, and sat with me. She told me about always reminding her kids that God only asks us to be kind and to love others - to which I told her my grandma had just said the same thing earlier in the day. She said my grandma was smart. We then talked about prayer and she said God answers prayers through people....to which I again replied that my grandmother had said the same thing earlier. We marveled at the way God was obviously working that day. She told me that she had intended to call in to work that night because she was exhausted, but something told her to "get her butt out of bed and go to work". She told me she had realized she was meant to be at work so she could be there to help me. 

I got a loop recorder implanted to monitor my heart and was discharged from the hospital. Once at home, I joined an online bible study. A work friend had called to check on me and I told her the story of the hospital, not expecting it to be a witnessing situation - I just wanted to tell her how it all made me feel so reconnected with the faith that I'd put second to everything else for at least the last decade. She was moved by the story and admitted that she wasn't the most religious anymore due to having it "shoved down her throat" when she was younger. We ended the conversation on a happy note and I signed on to my bible study. On a whim, I sent an invite to my work friend and my best friend while waiting for everyone to arrive in bible study. Both my work friend and my best friend showed up to the bible study. I felt immense joy because I knew that even if they were not on a walk with God at that time, they loved me enough to come on my walk with me. 

I continued inviting friends to bible study and telling them about my experience. I was still having trouble with my heart and my health, but my faith was giving me pieces of peace. I bought a women's anxiety devotional book while at the pharmacy one day and mentioned to another friend that I would love having a group of my friends to do a bible study or devotional with. Her reply was, "My book will be here on Sunday". She had immediately ordered the book after I'd mentioned the title. She and I started doing a devotional every day and discussing God and it not only gave us a way to connect, but it gave us a closer connection to God. 

I was still getting tested by various doctors who had no idea what was going on, and going to the ER regularly when my heart would act up or the gastrointestinal issues got too much to deal with. Last week I attempted to take an antidepressant which my primary care physician had prescribed for me. It took me DAYS of panic attacks to convince myself to take the medication. I cried, panicked, talked to my therapist, talked to my doctors, got sick...all over just starting the medication. I'd developed severe medical anxiety because of some medication reactions I'd recently had, and because the doctor's couldn't figure out what was going on. Something felt off about the the medication and I was scared. Eventually I thought it all through and realized I had to do my part in trying to get better. I took the medication. The first dose made me flushed and extremely tired. But after a short nap, I suddenly felt great. I knew that didn't make sense. The next day I took the second dose. That night I couldn't sleep at all. My heart was pounding and racing. I couldn't get comfortable and I felt sick. I fought with myself about going to the ER because I knew they'd say there was nothing wrong with me. Eventually, the back and forth turned into an intrusive thought about hurting myself. That's when I knew something was desperately wrong. That was not my own thinking. I went to the ER. I was evaluated and two different doctors agreed I was having side effects from the antidepressant and I needed to stop taking it. It was recommended that I start an outpatient psychiatric program. I was discharged at that point and I went to stay with some family for the week. 

Two days in to my stay with family, I was so tired of feeling so ill and always feeling my heart pounding or racing, I prayed to God for His word. I had been praying for healing and help every day, but in this moment I needed to hear God. I told God that I was struggling and didn't feel like I could do it on my own. I was scared, tired, and feeling hopeless. I finished praying and opened my bible at random. God brought me the story of Job. Job was a righteous man who was tested with suffering. In all of his suffering, he never cursed God. He asked God to give him a chance to prove that he was a righteous man, but he never turned against God in spite of all the suffering. At the end, God blessed him with more than he could have ever hoped for. I felt encouraged by God's words and the fact that He let me hear his words. 

There were nights this past week that I wasn't sure if I was going to wake up the next morning. Even though the electrophysiologist has told me my heart issues are not "life-threatening", no one has been able to give me an answer as to what is happening to me or explain why it's getting worse. I'd never had anything even close to these issues happen, but overnight I was debilitated. I've lost nearly 30 pounds in almost two months. My heart condition being not "life-threatening" is a bit of a misnomer. These issues are threatening my life, just maybe not in the way the doctors think. 

I know my suffering is not for nothing, though. I know that there is a plan for me, even though I'm not sure what that is right now. I tell this story to highlight how amazingly God works. Though I still struggle and still have suffering, I have reconnected with my grandmother and my step father through this. I have been able to fellowship with friends and new groups. I have been able to plant mustard seeds to those who may have needed them. That is what I hope this story does for you - I hope it plants a mustard seed for you. I pray that you are able to also hear God talking to you because He desperately wants to be in your life. God asks us to love others and I want you to know that I love you. Whoever you are reading this. Life is not going to be easy. It's going to be very hard. But take heart knowing that you are never alone. We are never alone. I'm as guilty as anyone of not listening for God's words or following his commandments, but I have received great joy being reminded that God never leaves us. He is always there waiting for the time we are ready to reach back out and hold on forever.