Terrified
I went to sleep maybe 2am, awake at 4 with a knot of terror in my gut. As the US celebrates thanksgiving I sit in my home hungry. I have just enough money to send my son to school today, and food for perhaps another day or two. And then I am absolutely tapped out.
Behind on the mortgage, utils start to cut off with the new month.
I am terrified.
And my son is acting up, he's back home. The only change from him being removed from my home is that he is now more aggressive, angrier and more defiant. He's taken to destroying my property when he gets upset. Last week he cut the cord to my modem. The internet is my only connection to the outer world, he feels its his right to take my privileges if I take his. My home is basically a warzone.
I sit here day after day wracking my brains. Can I start an internet business, can I write, there must be something that I can do to take care of myself and my child. And I am coming up blank.
I want to ask someone to help me just to figure it out .. and there is no-one I can think of that I can turn to.
I hate feeling so powerless, I hate not being able to find solutions. I hate being in this place.
The last 2 years in particular have been a walk of pure faith for me. And God has come through for me over and over. I have gotten work every now and then. I've gotten a helping hand every now and then. Each time things got tight somehow something came through. It's never been this bad before, but its been close.
And I feel like this is a test of my faith so I hold on tenaciously, what choice do I have? But it is painful to keep coming back to this place .. lying in the gutter looking up at rock bottom.
I feel better just writing this, because I know this (DS) is a place in which more than one of you have walked this road and been in this place. And you've gotten through it. I bless you for that.
Replies
Oh, my gosh! That sounds terrible. Your son has issues, I know, but this war zone can't keep up this way. There have been a few moments when I've been terrified over finances. It is really hard. I know you want to believe for a miracle, but it can be hard when you are looking at circumstances that are so dire. I will pray for you and I know you are praying. Look for any help that there might be. I know it's not like the US. There is not as much help there. Much love.
Max PB, letting you know you've been heard. I did some searching on the Jamaica websites. There isn't much in the way of social support but is there someone who can help you navigate? are there food banks at all? it doesn't sound like having your son at home is good for either of you right now, do you perhaps have a relative who will take you both in? Unsure of your situation with family.
Hey there. I'm so sorry you are in such a stressful situation. I know that quite some time back, you were on the verge of losing your home and too sick too work. So what did you do? How did you manage to hold onto your home and what income do you have at present ? Who helped you before? Forgive me for bombarding you with questions. Just need a clearer picture. If I am being too invasive, I understand. I'm worried about you and not sure how to help yet. Sorry to hear there is a lot of turmoil going on with you and your son. You have a lot to cope with all round. I'm already a bit late seeing your journal here. Much love Di xoxo
I sent you a message. Hugs Di xo
Didn't mean to sound so blunt in my comment. Or rude with all the questions. I was a bit panicked about your situation. Hang in there. Check my message and get back to me ASAP. Hugs Di.
I didn't hear from you so I guess I offended you somehow with my offer. Plus I was chastised by DS when I offered to send money. I wasn't aware of the rules etc. Please forgive me.