Ten years out
I lost my grandmother twenty years ago. I lost my mother ten years later. I lost my husband ten years later. So every ten years I lose someone close it seems. It has been difficult. I was very close to my grandmother and mother. Losing my husband is harder. With mom and grandmother, I lost the past and present; my husband, I lost the past, present, and future.
Today I found an old photograph. It was taken nearly 65 years ago. I held it gingerly, admiring the person who is my father. He told me that it was taken the day he was leaving town for the army and that his mother had asked him to stand still. Instead he raised his hand to say goodbye and it was that photograph I held now. I thought of that photograph and likened it to a fading memory. At one time the picture had been crisp. It's hard, black lines easy for anyone to see, but now, it was faded and needed to be restored before it was lost all together.
After I lost my mother, thoughts of her consumed my days and nights. I replayed the events of our lives: the day she took me to school. The day I graduaged college. The day I married. All these life events played in my mind in vivid detail. I could tell you what we ate, how we laughed. Now I hardly think of her and when I do, the memory is sort of faded. It's sort of like looking at an old photograph that is not as crisp as it once was. I've got years of happy memories of her, but I no longer miss her the way I once missed her. I noticed the same thing when grandmother died: ten years later I couldn't remember minute details of our lives together. One day, maybe ten years from now, the same will happen with my husband. I'll remember him, but the memories will be faded, minute details blowing in the wind. Perhaps this is a good thing. It is unimagineable to have this sort of pain the rest of my life. Still, it is somewhat distressing. I enjoy remembering the times we had together, but the memories cause pain. I'll think, last year at this time we went to a party at so-and-so's house. And I'll remember the minute details--what we ate, what we drank, what we said on the way home. Years ago, I could remember the same details with mom and before that I remembered the same details with grandmother. Now it would be difficult if not impossible.
It's strange about new memories too. Sometimes, after my mother passed, I'd swear we saw a certain movie together. Of course, it was impossible since the movie was made years after she'd passed. I guess I just felt her presence with me. Or maybe it was a deep desire to have her there with me.
The same is starting to happen with my husband, mostly early events after his passing. I'd wonder was he here when the volcano happened or some other event occurred. It's a strange feeling.
Now I think of ten years from now and have questions. I will be 63 then, maybe retired. And there's even a remote chance that I could have remarried(haven't asked God about that one yet). At that time, how much will I remember? Will I remember the touch of his hand, the feel of his arms around me? Will I remember his smile? Will I remember the way he looked at me? Or will it be like a faded photograph, each year the image less clear? But what if I can restore the image. What if I can recapture the exact feelings and memories I have now. Is it a good idea?
I think widows/widowers desperately try to hold on to memories. We do this by reminising, at least I do. Sometimes I'll spend hours thinking of the time we went to a concert. I'll pay special attention to small details. Is it because I'm afraid to forget? And if I continue on this course, will I spend my life forever locked in the past, never moving past 2010?
Is this such a bad possibility?
Today I found an old photograph. It was taken nearly 65 years ago. I held it gingerly, admiring the person who is my father. He told me that it was taken the day he was leaving town for the army and that his mother had asked him to stand still. Instead he raised his hand to say goodbye and it was that photograph I held now. I thought of that photograph and likened it to a fading memory. At one time the picture had been crisp. It's hard, black lines easy for anyone to see, but now, it was faded and needed to be restored before it was lost all together.
After I lost my mother, thoughts of her consumed my days and nights. I replayed the events of our lives: the day she took me to school. The day I graduaged college. The day I married. All these life events played in my mind in vivid detail. I could tell you what we ate, how we laughed. Now I hardly think of her and when I do, the memory is sort of faded. It's sort of like looking at an old photograph that is not as crisp as it once was. I've got years of happy memories of her, but I no longer miss her the way I once missed her. I noticed the same thing when grandmother died: ten years later I couldn't remember minute details of our lives together. One day, maybe ten years from now, the same will happen with my husband. I'll remember him, but the memories will be faded, minute details blowing in the wind. Perhaps this is a good thing. It is unimagineable to have this sort of pain the rest of my life. Still, it is somewhat distressing. I enjoy remembering the times we had together, but the memories cause pain. I'll think, last year at this time we went to a party at so-and-so's house. And I'll remember the minute details--what we ate, what we drank, what we said on the way home. Years ago, I could remember the same details with mom and before that I remembered the same details with grandmother. Now it would be difficult if not impossible.
It's strange about new memories too. Sometimes, after my mother passed, I'd swear we saw a certain movie together. Of course, it was impossible since the movie was made years after she'd passed. I guess I just felt her presence with me. Or maybe it was a deep desire to have her there with me.
The same is starting to happen with my husband, mostly early events after his passing. I'd wonder was he here when the volcano happened or some other event occurred. It's a strange feeling.
Now I think of ten years from now and have questions. I will be 63 then, maybe retired. And there's even a remote chance that I could have remarried(haven't asked God about that one yet). At that time, how much will I remember? Will I remember the touch of his hand, the feel of his arms around me? Will I remember his smile? Will I remember the way he looked at me? Or will it be like a faded photograph, each year the image less clear? But what if I can restore the image. What if I can recapture the exact feelings and memories I have now. Is it a good idea?
I think widows/widowers desperately try to hold on to memories. We do this by reminising, at least I do. Sometimes I'll spend hours thinking of the time we went to a concert. I'll pay special attention to small details. Is it because I'm afraid to forget? And if I continue on this course, will I spend my life forever locked in the past, never moving past 2010?
Is this such a bad possibility?
Replies
We had so many special times together ...............and daily life that was fun, and I know I cannot remember so many things already..........sometimes I go through cards we\'ve exchanged and am glad we took time to write about some specific things............those cards and letters bring comfort.......also try to jot a thought down that comes to mind...........if only I can find them all............lol....you bring up a good point
L
Such an insightful post. It causes me to think about those things also. My dad died 35 yrs ago. It took me many months to come out of the shock of losing my beloved daddy. But, you are right, so many things have faded as an old photograph now. There are still many memories of daddy though. I haven\'t forgotten it all. My niece died at the age of 38 of brain tumor (cancer), there are only 3 yrs between us. We were so very close that we could finish each others thoughts, more like sisters than her mother (my sister) and I. There are still many memories of her and her death, but, as you said, so much has faded. My mother died 12 yrs. ago. She was 85 yrs. old and had lived a very good life. I missed her, but accepted her death, because of her age, I guess, and that she had not been like \"herself\" in about 3 yrs. I still missed her. One of my best friends was killed in a car accident, before my niece passed away. It took me quite a while to drive by the road I would have turned on to go to her house, without tearing up.
Then, there was Joe. He was with me through all the above deaths, and suddenly, he was here no more. I\'m still not sure how we make it through their deaths, etc. but, we do. I realize that these trials also have made me a stronger person, and had drawn me closer to God. At first, I was not sure that would happen when Joe died. It finally did.
Less than 2 yrs after Joe died, my brother died. Joe was not here to help me through that death. I had to help myself! My kids were wonderful though.
I said all this, to say, you are so right........after 10 years, the memories will be more faded, and not quite as clear as now. Although, I have a feeling, this being our spouse, is going to make the memories hang on a little longer and be a little brighter than others. From speaking to some widows of 17 yrs, and 20+ yrs, there are still times we will miss them. The \"missing\" seems to be easier to handle after all those yrs. but still is there.
Ah, no, it is not such a bad possibility.
Hugs,
Joely
Memories are a good thing. You still remember your grandma, mom and late-husband. They might be fading now but you still have the memories. It is natural that they fade in time. You are lucky to have remembered them is such great detail. I never had that at all. I remember the emotional stuff like the feelings and things. It took me ten years to lose the grief of my mom who died in 1989. Lost my job in 2008. Lost the love of my life Smokey in 2009. Those are my three great losses. It hasn\'t been easy but I am moving forward. I read somewhere about grief, maybe this website, that we have to live in the now and not the past or future. We live in the now and that is great advice. Memories are a great thing. We have to live in the now. From Diane
you have said exactly what I was thinking of and trying to put into words...my daughter died 40 years ago she was almost 4 months old and there are times when I\'ll see or hear something and it\'s just like the day she died (can\'t say lost her as I didn\'t lose her, I didn\'t misplace her) from that I know it does get easier as time goes by but I never forget her, just don\'t think of her all the time.
Tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since my husband died and already there are periods of time where I don\'t think of him and then something puts me back at the day he died, then the tears come (not so much for him but for me,) me for missing him, me wanting him here by my side, me wanting to ask him a question that I know he\'d know the answer to, etc, etc....we cry for ourselves not so much for the person that died, learned that 40 years ago in a college class on \"Dealing with Death and Dying\".....well, I\'ll quit rambling on.....I still have my memories and some are faded/fading.....hugs everyone...Sandi
l think we will always have the memories of the special people in our lives.l have lost my dad,my sister,my nephew,plus other relatives,its as you say the memories do fade with time.l do think though it will be many years before Franks death lessens the hold on me,but l would love to think that in years to come the awful pain has gone,and l look back and smile when l think of him,this is what l do now when l think of my dad.
Alice
I think this is why we should hold onto the memories we have for as long as we can. Some of the memories may fade but the love we have will never fade and in fact might get stronger as the years go by. My father passed away seventeen years ago, I know that I still have a lot of him in me but the memories have faded.
Hope your having a good day, thanks for the memories.
Hugs,
Ron