Every Tuesday at noon there is an alarm that goes off in the neighborhood as a test. It woke me up. Sort of. Then I stayed in bed for another 38 minutes before deciding to get up and take my meds and drink the lovely iced coffee my fiance left in the fridge.
I've been online looking at email, facebook and generally just trying to figure out if I can handle today.
It's a beautiful late summer day and it's warm for our neck of the woods. I see people go by on the train and think they must be headed to the beach or somewhere nice to spend the day. I randomly think that maybe I should do the same and try to get out and enjoy the day but then my brain shoots down the idea quickly because I haven't been feeling like going anywhere or doing anything by myself in a while.
Depression just keeps you stuck in your own head, especially when you're alone a lot of the time. My doctor has prescribed Nuvigil for the mornings so I will have energy and not go back to bed during the day but I'm always hesitant to take it because then I will have to be up, and not sure what to do with myself. I know it's stupid not to do what my doctor asks since if I really want to get better, I need to follow his advice. Why is it so hard?
I took the Nuvigil yesterday and managed to stay out of bed all day. I don't even remember what I did but each hour I wasn't in bed is a small victory.
I guess we have to take the positives wherever we can get them.
I need to find things that I can do that won't make me anxious but help me feel like I have a purpose. I would clean up my office, but it seems so daunting and looking at all of the bills just makes me sick to my stomach since I can't do anything about most of them.
I have a bunch of freelance work that I should start scheduling, but I haven't been up to it. It hangs over me all of the time and makes me feel worse. I'm afraid to schedule it because I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. It's an irrational fear I think, because why wouldn't I be able to do it? The work isn't hard, it's just a little anxiety-provoking to do things on my own right now and the work would take me to lots of places I'd have to be on my own. And I feel like I can't handle it right now.
I guess I should go take that Nuvigil so I don't feel like I'm not doing my best to get better. At least one thing I can do while I'm waiting. 
I can't tell if the Cymbalta I've been on for three weeks is helping. I'm awake and out of bed, so I guess that's something. I was in bed for about two weeks recently. All I did was watch videos and try not to be awake. It was tiring. And it made me feel awful about myself.
I'm not sure why I'm even writing in this journal. I thought it might help me sort out my thoughts. It's kind of making me feel anxious to think about all of this.
I guess some days are just easier than others.