Tears of joy?
So... This last week seems all I do is cry! But its weird, not sad tears, at least I don't think they are... I think its because this is all becoming real for me. That I am allowing myself to believe I won't be 300ish pds the rest of my life... That I am going to lose enough to fit into the
desks comfortably at my college. That I will be able to walk around campus without my cane and in tons of pain, dreading every step I take. That I will be able to NOT be the biggest person in a room! That I will be able to shop in normal stores. That I will be able to go to the park with my grandkids and do more than sit on the bench and watch them play... That I won't be embarrassed for my husband anymore (yeah, hes wonderful and loves me no matter what, but that does not stop my embarrassment!)... To have energy and desire to MOVE again! To go hiking again... and walking in the park... or even the grocery store with ease... Oh, heck, ya'll know.. the list goes on and on... all stuff you've heard from me before... But I am starting to believe that I will have these chances and so much more!! Yeah, I still worry... worry that my INS won't give me the final approval... worry that I'll have have a hard time dealing with bat wings and the like... worry that my hair will all fall out and I'll go bald! Worry that I'll be the one in a zillion that won't lose wt post surgery... And yah, I know! I know! These are silly things to worry about, but my head still does, at least some! And some of the tears might be tears of grief... Tears for a life I am leaving behind (as silly as that sounds!)... As much as I want this way of living behind me, there is still a comfort attached the the known, and I think I grieve for that part... (Hard to explain!) I am close to finishing off my BS at the University of Oregon... I plan/hope to go on to Grad School... I am not sure I could pull off Grad School at 300+ pounds, but knowing I will be fit and healthy when the time comes makes it all seem possible for this 52 year old college student! I also consider instead of Grad school... going back to work for the government... This time in a upper management position (before I was front line management)... something I could do with my BS.... I even envision myself walking into an interview in some slick, smaller sized business suit, dazzling them with my wit! LOL! :) I think I am seeing a future now where before it was/is just enough to get thru a term, or even a day... Anywhoo... The tears just keep rolling down my face! Happiness... disbelief.... fear.... excitement.... Joy... nerves.... and a million other emotions.. Its been so long since I've looked in the mirror and been ok with what I saw that just the idea of this makes me cry! Am I going to spend the next 3 months crying? :)
desks comfortably at my college. That I will be able to walk around campus without my cane and in tons of pain, dreading every step I take. That I will be able to NOT be the biggest person in a room! That I will be able to shop in normal stores. That I will be able to go to the park with my grandkids and do more than sit on the bench and watch them play... That I won't be embarrassed for my husband anymore (yeah, hes wonderful and loves me no matter what, but that does not stop my embarrassment!)... To have energy and desire to MOVE again! To go hiking again... and walking in the park... or even the grocery store with ease... Oh, heck, ya'll know.. the list goes on and on... all stuff you've heard from me before... But I am starting to believe that I will have these chances and so much more!! Yeah, I still worry... worry that my INS won't give me the final approval... worry that I'll have have a hard time dealing with bat wings and the like... worry that my hair will all fall out and I'll go bald! Worry that I'll be the one in a zillion that won't lose wt post surgery... And yah, I know! I know! These are silly things to worry about, but my head still does, at least some! And some of the tears might be tears of grief... Tears for a life I am leaving behind (as silly as that sounds!)... As much as I want this way of living behind me, there is still a comfort attached the the known, and I think I grieve for that part... (Hard to explain!) I am close to finishing off my BS at the University of Oregon... I plan/hope to go on to Grad School... I am not sure I could pull off Grad School at 300+ pounds, but knowing I will be fit and healthy when the time comes makes it all seem possible for this 52 year old college student! I also consider instead of Grad school... going back to work for the government... This time in a upper management position (before I was front line management)... something I could do with my BS.... I even envision myself walking into an interview in some slick, smaller sized business suit, dazzling them with my wit! LOL! :) I think I am seeing a future now where before it was/is just enough to get thru a term, or even a day... Anywhoo... The tears just keep rolling down my face! Happiness... disbelief.... fear.... excitement.... Joy... nerves.... and a million other emotions.. Its been so long since I've looked in the mirror and been ok with what I saw that just the idea of this makes me cry! Am I going to spend the next 3 months crying? :)
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