Tam. Panda.
1. Out of state against better judgementment. Ex hit me up out of nowhere last night talking about how he's sorry for all the pain he's put me through and told me his short comings. He said his mom has 3 types of cancer and that his grandmother has been trying to go into heart failure. He kept apologizing and then he proposed. I don't know how to feel but numb. But the simple fact that he was being very sweet apologetic remorseful and proposing made me feel like he was being extremely suicidal. So now here I am. By the history and abuse that I've endured over 6 years this goes against all of my better judgement and terrifies me. But I know how it feels like to be suicidal and to have nobody. He said that his friends have all turned their backs on him and I honestly believe that because of how f***** up his friends are. My heart is the fragile place to go to when other people are hurting. I would never leave somebody stranded no matter how badly they hurt me in the past. I need strength right now because his timing could not have been worse.
2. I have said it so many times and I know anyone who reads my journal every day will get tired of this or is already tired of this. However this is my journal this is my journey and this my life to speak about in my journals. I miss my panda. I miss having this optimistic bubble in my face all the time. And if she doesn't realize it then this is my fault but she helps me in more ways than anybody could understand. Confession, and this is an embarrassing confession, but sometimes when she speaks to me I wonder how it would feel like if it would have been her that would have adopted me way back when. I know how weird that is to say but it's not too abnormal for someone with my history to wonder. I can only imagine. She wouldn't have been abusive or been someone who would have yelled and screamed. I may not have been as fucked up as I am today if she would have/ someone like her would have taken me in back then. The thoughts calm my soul. Maybe I would have actually been wanted. How awesome would that feel? Ugh! It's embarrassing . I still want to write like her. Every time I read her poetry, I read something that I didn't notice before. Lol, im a huge fan of her panda ass. I don't want to be in someone else's classes. There's a reason why I seek her out.
3. Biopsy is set up... Im beyound scared! I wish she would talk to me before I had to go in. Her positivity would seriously be desirable about now.
2. I have said it so many times and I know anyone who reads my journal every day will get tired of this or is already tired of this. However this is my journal this is my journey and this my life to speak about in my journals. I miss my panda. I miss having this optimistic bubble in my face all the time. And if she doesn't realize it then this is my fault but she helps me in more ways than anybody could understand. Confession, and this is an embarrassing confession, but sometimes when she speaks to me I wonder how it would feel like if it would have been her that would have adopted me way back when. I know how weird that is to say but it's not too abnormal for someone with my history to wonder. I can only imagine. She wouldn't have been abusive or been someone who would have yelled and screamed. I may not have been as fucked up as I am today if she would have/ someone like her would have taken me in back then. The thoughts calm my soul. Maybe I would have actually been wanted. How awesome would that feel? Ugh! It's embarrassing . I still want to write like her. Every time I read her poetry, I read something that I didn't notice before. Lol, im a huge fan of her panda ass. I don't want to be in someone else's classes. There's a reason why I seek her out.
3. Biopsy is set up... Im beyound scared! I wish she would talk to me before I had to go in. Her positivity would seriously be desirable about now.
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