I seek freedom and moments to indulge at times...
like today - I drank way too much coffee - I made a big pot -
and I slowly drank the whole thing - I take things too far like that
and then finally got sick in the head from it.
part of it may be my nature - it goes like I just feel like I am repressing all the time (perhaps as I wrestle my illness)
until I finally want something I can do with reckless abandon.. I don't even
give it so much thought - it's just a free time to indulge!
and then I have to learn my lesson yet again through resulting adversity -
maybe in a sense I can be a little unconscious when I let go at times..
but tonight I learned a lot - (I am combining these two journals as it makes sense to me).
I think you have to admit to your desires that you're having but also need to be mindful too.
Anyways here's what I was thinking.
at times I need so much definition in my life - but I am starting to understand things that I've never considered.
for example why I need so much definition -
I was thinking about how we each have a kind of playpen (a concept from a therapist) we make for ourselves - that's like the defining stuff
that i need to feel ok and the stuff that I like - - and it inspired me to think about how tightly (in the past) I've liked to feel held together -
one therapist said to me "you need a whole world"
I realized that being here at the monastery I am experiencing people who have similar playpens...like me - make sense?
I think we all associate with folks who have something shared like that - does that make sense? surviving in similar ways- or even possessing qualities we'd like to have our lives....
well it got me to thinking about desires (this is how much i've needed to unwind my brain from it's mixed up ways)
and my raw desires - as the work day here at the monastery went along - kept getting bigger and darker and then I knew I needed to be here - I needed connection to positive values - I had finally become conscious and reflective about those desires - I knew I needed to reign in my decadent self to keep forward moving on productive
and good behaviors - with the aid and relationship with the people here..
the example was from a priest here - really showed me a view unto a really wonderful sense and values he has - that I could surely take
influence from - he is authentically himself and he was just great - I will continue to learn from him -
and so I thought about admiring other people here - if i am honest with what I want sometimes - it can be kind of dark -
like a lotta sex and decadence... that being said - I pursued that once and got very very sick - and lost my fortune and it was
just unconscious unqestioned indulgence - not measured or filtered by a sense of where I was going with it - - or what kind of crew I was associating
with in terms of what they valued and things like that. I didn't question things in terms of survival and stuff -
but what I realized today was that if I keep conscious about my choices - even if I want stuff - I really appreciate the kind
of sensibility that the folks here have - so gentle - so life affirming - and definitely, though I can be very strong sometimes
if I let loose,I realize I really benefit in a very very good way from my relationships here - I do feel like I have found God.
and though I may not be the ideal candidate for a cleric - maybe that's ok.
I took much learning from the gentler people around me tonight - specifically the priest who I read with
for a half hour or so - such a sweet gentle soul - and I want to associate with him - and be his disciple.
I've come now back to my room - and turned around from so much praying - I finally
trying to find 'my truth' - I decided to write -
At times with my own sense of repression - there seems so much
telling me that I don't have the presence of mind or capacity to do anything outside of just relating to truth in the moment -
and so tonight I've decided to not take things too seriously - and focus on the immediate reality that we talk about here so much -
'one step at a time" and keep on keeping on.
I don't feel so lost anymore. I'll get ready for bed now.
Replies
for my psycho nickel, the decision to not take things too seriously is the part(s) of my peaceful days. thoughts run like water over rocks in a babbling brook. analyzing each droplet and rock can be loads of fun, but taking them too seriously only distracts from the depth and beauty of the symphony.
i bet you, too, are waking up about now.
good morning
i opine that gluttony is hard wired into the human genome. just opining while i remind myself of the zen mantra, "do not seek the truth. only cease to cherish opinion."
pass the popcorn. more, more, more. . .
thanks arfie :) thank you for reading all my stuff! :-)
I ate a whole bag of Fritos in two days....I'm not supposed to eat that kind of stuff, processed/salt. I was Craving Them...I don't drink alcohol, take drugs so I figure if I go overboard with food...cookies are another thing that gets me....
The calm of the monostatic life seems to suit you, your journals have taken on a much more positive direction <3
thanks mary louise!