taking care of yourself

I've had a fever for a couple of days now - coughing, sore throat, aches, chills etc..

I was kind of rolling over at first (like a kid - not knowing what to do - looking to cut corners - wanting someone to step

in and take care of me) but then 

I knew I had to 'take care of myself' and take care in a smart healthy kind of way because no one else would.

It took some going through the paces (fake it till you make it) to get the motivation to start coming 

to me to keep taking care. Now I am motivated and I'm  starting to see that each person around me has this charge/task

of taking care when no one else is around to help - I guess it's pretty obvious - and I've talked

about self responsibility before - I just wonder why this new turn of events has made a discovery for me 

of a permutation on that same theme. Perhaps it's the commonality thing that gives me a sense of perspective

and sense of place when at first I felt no agency or ability.

Again I know I've talked about this before - but - I also thought to tell myself that I ought

not to judge folks who deal with themselves in a semi- precious way - I know this sounds

bad to even mention it - but I thought to just respect that everyone's gotta take care of themselves - and 

the motivation and the effort has to come in 'any which way' - when there's no one

else around to take care of them.

Putting my focus on this kind of taking care when no one else is around to help-

I then started to feel kind of selfish and frankly I started retiring from doing extra work - helping out

the sisters... not good.

I didn't like this and I'll remember to pull my weight with things and not just be a selfish semi precious 

butthead. I mean not to self judge but it's real important to me and my sense of relationships tp

help take care of those around - as a community -

I do have a fever and will get rid of that with meds and rest - 

and then I'll get back to work here at the monastery.