Taking care of myself

I can take care of myself and have for years.. I have not let anyone know all this stuff becuase I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me.. I do that good all by myself.. If I let him have that little stubborn piece of me, then I really lose myself..  If I keep that part of myself..  I can still look in the mirror at myself..  I want you to know.. that I have tried.. that I am not just a doormat. Just to ease your mind a little bit.. He would never go out to try to hurt me.. usually its pushing/moving me out of the way .. or me getting hit by shit that he throws or breaks..one day a Investigator,  I work with saw fingerprint marks on my arms... one by my elbow and some on my upper arm... and he asked what happened...... .I dont remember what I told him... it had to of been stupid though......because the pictures I took look exactly like fingerprints...   and that was because I believe he was trying to leave... and I stood in his way.. I dont remember.. too many to remember... He broke my  cell phone in half one night.. It was a friday night .. I had tried calling him.. cause I had to go to the hospital... called mom to watch my kids so I could run to urgent care by myself.. cause I had a kidney stone..so I drove myself to the hospital.. and got home and took some pain meds.. because of course he wouldnt answer the phone.. so by the time he got home I was laying in bed in pain.. But with a kidney stone pain meds dont really work.. so  .. when he finally did get home.. he wanted to come and sleep in bed ( well I was pissed and in pain, plus when he is drunk he hits in his sleep) didnt want to deal with it.. we got into a yelling match...  I was like  seriously please .....just sleep on the couch.. hell I will call my dad to come get me .. I just wanted to be left alone.. I started calling/dialing my dad and he took my phone and broke my phone in half.. sooo of course then I moved to the couch.. because at that point I WAS scared of him.usually I am pretty tough sticking up for myself..   after that night.. he left 4 days later for a ice fishing trip... and I just didnt answer the phone while he was gone..  told him I was moving out while he was gone... he said when he got home he was done drinking... well that lasted for 2 to 3 weeks.. and the whole time was hell.. because he blamed me.. for making him stop drinking.. (during that 2 weeks I had surgery to have my appendix out)  he started drinking again a week after.. I usually get blamed.. for not making enough money, for not having the house clean enough, for  shit ....anything.. just depends on the day.. and what I say or dont say to piss him off so when he is nice to me.. I know what he wants... so I have to pych myself up for it.. cause I dont want nothing to do with it.. Soo  if I dont give it to him.. he pouts and get mad for DAYS.. plus then of course I am cheating with someone..Until recently No one knows.. no one suspects.. ...  just put a smile on, and cover it..I am ok.. I will be ok.. he doesnt hurt me...emotional  no DOUBT he does.. no doubt if he is anything its emotionally abusive.. he knows what to say to hurt me.. AND BELIEVE ME if he KNEW I wrote this stuff.. IT would get worse for me.. emotionally.. HE would make it worse for me.. he doesnt like anyone knowing "our" business....