System shock
Dear DS diary,
This past weekend -- the one of my brother's wedding -- was one of the most difficult I've ever had to go through, thanks in large part to my current state of feeling insecure (to put it charitably).
First I had a nightmare at 2am that I couldn't fall back asleep for good from. My two best friends on FB did all they could to do damage control for me this week and they did an admirable job, but even they couldn't stop this one and it was not their fault. From there it went all downhill:
The bride's parents had gone on the record saying that they wanted to meet me. I couldn't convince myself they were safe. When they said hi, I basically treated them like they had bombs strapped to their chests, which was what happened in a few of the nightmares I had surrounding this thing. That didn't get beyond saying hi; I wouldn't allow them a chance to get to know me or vice versa.
A couple of the galleries were open during the reception with museum staff manning them, but after a few minutes I was the only one seriously browsing them. That triggered a panic attack of its own, and I ended up essentially hiding my mother. Conversation was very difficult. It didn't help that the noise from the disc jockey was bouncing off the walls like they were aluminum or something.
I didn't stress eat. It was more like stress starve. I say that because dinner was lighter than I normally eat at home.
And the drive home...ugh, was white-knuckle. It was after dark, it was in the rain, and the highway on the Massachusetts Turnpike isn't well-marked for lanes. My dad didn't like it at all. I couldn't relax until we got home and neither could he, and he proceeded to down two Manhattans afterward.
Knowing that he had a reason to get drunk if he wanted to -- he hadn't looked forward to this either -- I said, "I'm surprised you stopped at two."
We mutually decided to throw yesterday away, and yet today it was clear nobody was over it yet...and this even though I slept better than I did all last week. Meanwhile my Puzzlefan30 has seen an uptick in activity, something I plan to continue because it was the only thing that held me together.
Overall the experience was just plain bad. And it didn't do anything to bring my sense of safety back. The only thing I can say is that I came back in one piece.
This past weekend -- the one of my brother's wedding -- was one of the most difficult I've ever had to go through, thanks in large part to my current state of feeling insecure (to put it charitably).
First I had a nightmare at 2am that I couldn't fall back asleep for good from. My two best friends on FB did all they could to do damage control for me this week and they did an admirable job, but even they couldn't stop this one and it was not their fault. From there it went all downhill:
The bride's parents had gone on the record saying that they wanted to meet me. I couldn't convince myself they were safe. When they said hi, I basically treated them like they had bombs strapped to their chests, which was what happened in a few of the nightmares I had surrounding this thing. That didn't get beyond saying hi; I wouldn't allow them a chance to get to know me or vice versa.
A couple of the galleries were open during the reception with museum staff manning them, but after a few minutes I was the only one seriously browsing them. That triggered a panic attack of its own, and I ended up essentially hiding my mother. Conversation was very difficult. It didn't help that the noise from the disc jockey was bouncing off the walls like they were aluminum or something.
I didn't stress eat. It was more like stress starve. I say that because dinner was lighter than I normally eat at home.
And the drive home...ugh, was white-knuckle. It was after dark, it was in the rain, and the highway on the Massachusetts Turnpike isn't well-marked for lanes. My dad didn't like it at all. I couldn't relax until we got home and neither could he, and he proceeded to down two Manhattans afterward.
Knowing that he had a reason to get drunk if he wanted to -- he hadn't looked forward to this either -- I said, "I'm surprised you stopped at two."
We mutually decided to throw yesterday away, and yet today it was clear nobody was over it yet...and this even though I slept better than I did all last week. Meanwhile my Puzzlefan30 has seen an uptick in activity, something I plan to continue because it was the only thing that held me together.
Overall the experience was just plain bad. And it didn't do anything to bring my sense of safety back. The only thing I can say is that I came back in one piece.
Replies
I really didn\'t expect it to bring your sense of safety back because of your overall thinkingl
I hope and pray with all my heart you will be able to turn this around and see it as a major accomplishment.
No doubt it took all you had to go let alone get through it but I am so proud of you that you did.
Sure hope the videos will help in the long run.....
(((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))
The videos are definitely going to continue because there is a level of solace coming from them that isn\'t coming from anywhere else. Two to three of those a week seems very likely.