Survived the holiday season!
Well, I am glad I elected to avoid the family gatherings this time - it made everything a lot less stressful on me. I got to enjoy things on my own, so it went well.
I didn't get depressed as I feared I might - I actually had fun being by myself.
I don't think anyone missed me, either - not going by what little I heard afterward from those who bother to talk to me. Well, Mom missed me - but then, she is the only one thus far who has been able to really accept me.
I did get around between holiday gatherings to visit Mom, so she did get to see me despite everything.
I have begun easing into a dietary shift - more lean meats, veg, fruit, and nuts; less to no grains and dairy. This is supposed to help me drop the excess weight - I hope it works, because exercise and calorie counting has failed. I already cut 97% of the sugar from my diet; quit drinking pre-sweetened drinks(sodas and the like), and fought really hard to maintain portion control - which helped, at first; then I hit a plateau. I have been exercising, but the weight - and inches - is still there. I even have been taking Garcinia Cambogia for several months now - and it also worked at first, but then another plateau, and my weight stabilized much too high for my height and build. It's not just poundage; it's fat, lots of it. I get frustrated, but I am still trying. I am feeling better. I just wish I could drop the excess fat.
I have also been searching for work - both locally and online, through the ESC website. It isn't looking good; there still are few to no jobs. It's harder to keep a positive attitude; I begin to think I may never find work again, which is bad - because I NEED a dependable income so I can pay my bills!
I confess that there is a tiny part of me that doesn't want to go back to working for someone else - and if I didn't have bills to pay, I wouldn't keep searching for work. Worse yet, the people at the local ESC offices have commented several times that most people who have been out of work as long as I have been, have quit looking for work at all! *sigh* What little money I did have in savings was used up long ago; so now I am barely hanging on at all - were it not for the pittance I get from my veteran's disability, I'd have been out on the street long before now. I can see how/why a lot of veterans end up homeless - and why a few of them actually prefer it. Since my cat ran off, I am beginning to think more about finding a way to get a piece of land - nothing large, just a plot with a well, and maybe a septic system on it - and have decided on how I would build my own house - again, nothing large, just a place for me to live. I have researched several eco-friendly building methods, and selected the one most eco-friendly, energy-efficient, and inexpensive - and able to be done by me, without help.
But I need to get that plot of land; and it has to be outside of city limits in order to be allowed to build the way I'll have to.
Meanwhile,.....
I have discovered something about myself.
After 46+ years of being forced to live a lie, it is hard to break out of it. I mean.... How do you STOP when all your life, you've had no choice but to live a lie? It's a tough thing. Also, I find myself still trying to "fit in", even if it means compromising my self. Now, I'm trying to fit in as a male; but I lack a lot of life experiences that a man my age would have had by now. I also find I have a hard time trusting people I don't know; and I hesitate to become involved - for fear of being discovered and possibly attacked; or rejected.
Another thing I have found which is funny, yet bothersome. While on T(testosterone), I find that body and mind jump swiftly to sexual impulses and responses - that is, sex is THE thing consuming my mind and my body tries to respond to it no matter what else is going on, or where I may be. Honestly, I wonder how naturally-born males can manage to get anything else done! It sounds funny(amusing), but I am being serious! I am still trying to learn to cope with this; I have been told that eventually it calms down some; but.... To give someone else an idea of what it's like, go back and try reading this entire journal entry over again - and insert the all-caps word "SEX" between every word. Hormones are strong stuff, but this is ridiculous. I tried an experiment - not something I'd suggest to anyone else - and went off the Testosterone for a few weeks. Guess what? By the end of week 2, the sexual urges faded to almost nil - but so did most of my energy, and I was feeling really depressed again. I went back on the Testosterone, and within 24 hours, I was feeling great - and consumed by thoughts of sex once more. I have also noticed something else - before I went on T, if I got lost while driving, I'd ask directions without a second thought; but now, I have to force myself to stop and ask directions! I almost can't make myself do it; it's as if doing so is an alien concept now.
I also find that the longer I go on T, the more I feel a need to have male genitals. At times, the need for that borders on the obsessive; to the point where I can think of little else than sex and having the male anatomy so I can perform sex! It sounds silly, but this is very real - and is something I am having a hard time dealing with of late. I need to talk to my gender therapist about this; but thus far I have been unable to bring it up; as though it's taboo. I have an appointment with her in a couple of weeks - this time, I'll try harder to make myself be open about this.
My mom seems to think I have finished transitioning; she keeps saying, "Well, you're all done becoming a guy; you're not going to get surgery done to try having a penis, so why do you keep seeing the therapist?" I have told her SEVERAL times that I DO want the surgery to have male parts; but she just keeps saying, "No, you don't want that." Maybe she really ISN'T as accepting as she thinks. She's in her 80s(late 70's, early 80's), so maybe she can't accept the whole thing.
Then, there is the whole "Why do I feel it important what my blood relatives think?" thing. I mean, we've gone our seperate ways; the only time we cross paths is when visiting Mom. I have pretty well given up on my siblings and inlaws, but Mom's reactions are still important, in a way. I don't want to loose what little relationship I have with her; but I also don't want to have to wait for her to die before I get the final surgery done. I know I'd feel less self-conscious in public if I had flesh-and-blood male genitals, because then there wouldn't be anything for anyone to "discover" or "out" me about. Then, I really would be just one of the guys.
But,.... Am I just using this as another excuse to hide behind? Because I can't afford to have the surgery done, has needing it done to feel complete become an excuse for me to hide from the world? Like my weight - before, I was hiding behind a wall of fat, so unhappy in my body that I wanted to be unseen, I made myself invisible. Now, I am happier in my body, wanting to be slim, working on loosing weight. Am I now using the lack of male genitalia as another thing to hide behind - an excuse not to get more involved in my own life? I know I want the surgery; I don't feel complete without having male genitals. I have tried wearing a "packer"; it helps - until I have to go pee; when it becomes a major hassle, as I never have been able to get a STP to work right. Most likely reason for not being able to get the STP to work? Gender disphoria - I dislike the female bits down there so much, I am repulsed by the thought of trying to touch them at all, let alone to figure out how to properly use a STP device. Just as I was repulsed by the thought of having sex as a female. So, if I wear a "packer", I have to wrestle it out of the way, drop pants and sit to pee, avoid dropping the darn "packer", and manage to pull myself together without drawing unwanted attention to myself in a public restroom. Which is why I usually DON'T wear a "packer" in public, and try to avoid public restrooms.
*sigh* I have a ways to go yet, mentally, before I can honestly say I'm finished transitioning. But life is better now than before I started - even if finances have worsened.
Ok, here and now, I'll say it.
I want my own penis - I have wanted to have one attached to me since I was three years old and noticed it was missing. I don't feel right without it. I CAN'T feel right without it. I have NEVER felt right without it. This is why I began transitioning; and only one thing will make me feel right: having my own flesh-and-blood penis hanging in the correct spot between my legs. I don't have to be able to reproduce - there's too many people crowding the planet already - but I do have to have the correct anatomy. Otherwise, I will always feel something is wrong, something is missing - because it IS.
I have wrestled with this for some time now - as I said, since I was three. If the feeling hasn't changed by now, it isn't going to go away. Not until I actually have a real penis of my own down there. Something real, that I can feel when touched. So I can sate the sexual impulses the T is causing without suffering gender disphoria. Like I said, wearing a "packer" helps some; but it still isn't right.
Now, if I can bring myself to say all of this to my gender therapist........... maybe she can help me find a way to get the surgery done.
I didn't get depressed as I feared I might - I actually had fun being by myself.
I don't think anyone missed me, either - not going by what little I heard afterward from those who bother to talk to me. Well, Mom missed me - but then, she is the only one thus far who has been able to really accept me.
I did get around between holiday gatherings to visit Mom, so she did get to see me despite everything.
I have begun easing into a dietary shift - more lean meats, veg, fruit, and nuts; less to no grains and dairy. This is supposed to help me drop the excess weight - I hope it works, because exercise and calorie counting has failed. I already cut 97% of the sugar from my diet; quit drinking pre-sweetened drinks(sodas and the like), and fought really hard to maintain portion control - which helped, at first; then I hit a plateau. I have been exercising, but the weight - and inches - is still there. I even have been taking Garcinia Cambogia for several months now - and it also worked at first, but then another plateau, and my weight stabilized much too high for my height and build. It's not just poundage; it's fat, lots of it. I get frustrated, but I am still trying. I am feeling better. I just wish I could drop the excess fat.
I have also been searching for work - both locally and online, through the ESC website. It isn't looking good; there still are few to no jobs. It's harder to keep a positive attitude; I begin to think I may never find work again, which is bad - because I NEED a dependable income so I can pay my bills!
I confess that there is a tiny part of me that doesn't want to go back to working for someone else - and if I didn't have bills to pay, I wouldn't keep searching for work. Worse yet, the people at the local ESC offices have commented several times that most people who have been out of work as long as I have been, have quit looking for work at all! *sigh* What little money I did have in savings was used up long ago; so now I am barely hanging on at all - were it not for the pittance I get from my veteran's disability, I'd have been out on the street long before now. I can see how/why a lot of veterans end up homeless - and why a few of them actually prefer it. Since my cat ran off, I am beginning to think more about finding a way to get a piece of land - nothing large, just a plot with a well, and maybe a septic system on it - and have decided on how I would build my own house - again, nothing large, just a place for me to live. I have researched several eco-friendly building methods, and selected the one most eco-friendly, energy-efficient, and inexpensive - and able to be done by me, without help.
But I need to get that plot of land; and it has to be outside of city limits in order to be allowed to build the way I'll have to.
Meanwhile,.....
I have discovered something about myself.
After 46+ years of being forced to live a lie, it is hard to break out of it. I mean.... How do you STOP when all your life, you've had no choice but to live a lie? It's a tough thing. Also, I find myself still trying to "fit in", even if it means compromising my self. Now, I'm trying to fit in as a male; but I lack a lot of life experiences that a man my age would have had by now. I also find I have a hard time trusting people I don't know; and I hesitate to become involved - for fear of being discovered and possibly attacked; or rejected.
Another thing I have found which is funny, yet bothersome. While on T(testosterone), I find that body and mind jump swiftly to sexual impulses and responses - that is, sex is THE thing consuming my mind and my body tries to respond to it no matter what else is going on, or where I may be. Honestly, I wonder how naturally-born males can manage to get anything else done! It sounds funny(amusing), but I am being serious! I am still trying to learn to cope with this; I have been told that eventually it calms down some; but.... To give someone else an idea of what it's like, go back and try reading this entire journal entry over again - and insert the all-caps word "SEX" between every word. Hormones are strong stuff, but this is ridiculous. I tried an experiment - not something I'd suggest to anyone else - and went off the Testosterone for a few weeks. Guess what? By the end of week 2, the sexual urges faded to almost nil - but so did most of my energy, and I was feeling really depressed again. I went back on the Testosterone, and within 24 hours, I was feeling great - and consumed by thoughts of sex once more. I have also noticed something else - before I went on T, if I got lost while driving, I'd ask directions without a second thought; but now, I have to force myself to stop and ask directions! I almost can't make myself do it; it's as if doing so is an alien concept now.
I also find that the longer I go on T, the more I feel a need to have male genitals. At times, the need for that borders on the obsessive; to the point where I can think of little else than sex and having the male anatomy so I can perform sex! It sounds silly, but this is very real - and is something I am having a hard time dealing with of late. I need to talk to my gender therapist about this; but thus far I have been unable to bring it up; as though it's taboo. I have an appointment with her in a couple of weeks - this time, I'll try harder to make myself be open about this.
My mom seems to think I have finished transitioning; she keeps saying, "Well, you're all done becoming a guy; you're not going to get surgery done to try having a penis, so why do you keep seeing the therapist?" I have told her SEVERAL times that I DO want the surgery to have male parts; but she just keeps saying, "No, you don't want that." Maybe she really ISN'T as accepting as she thinks. She's in her 80s(late 70's, early 80's), so maybe she can't accept the whole thing.
Then, there is the whole "Why do I feel it important what my blood relatives think?" thing. I mean, we've gone our seperate ways; the only time we cross paths is when visiting Mom. I have pretty well given up on my siblings and inlaws, but Mom's reactions are still important, in a way. I don't want to loose what little relationship I have with her; but I also don't want to have to wait for her to die before I get the final surgery done. I know I'd feel less self-conscious in public if I had flesh-and-blood male genitals, because then there wouldn't be anything for anyone to "discover" or "out" me about. Then, I really would be just one of the guys.
But,.... Am I just using this as another excuse to hide behind? Because I can't afford to have the surgery done, has needing it done to feel complete become an excuse for me to hide from the world? Like my weight - before, I was hiding behind a wall of fat, so unhappy in my body that I wanted to be unseen, I made myself invisible. Now, I am happier in my body, wanting to be slim, working on loosing weight. Am I now using the lack of male genitalia as another thing to hide behind - an excuse not to get more involved in my own life? I know I want the surgery; I don't feel complete without having male genitals. I have tried wearing a "packer"; it helps - until I have to go pee; when it becomes a major hassle, as I never have been able to get a STP to work right. Most likely reason for not being able to get the STP to work? Gender disphoria - I dislike the female bits down there so much, I am repulsed by the thought of trying to touch them at all, let alone to figure out how to properly use a STP device. Just as I was repulsed by the thought of having sex as a female. So, if I wear a "packer", I have to wrestle it out of the way, drop pants and sit to pee, avoid dropping the darn "packer", and manage to pull myself together without drawing unwanted attention to myself in a public restroom. Which is why I usually DON'T wear a "packer" in public, and try to avoid public restrooms.
*sigh* I have a ways to go yet, mentally, before I can honestly say I'm finished transitioning. But life is better now than before I started - even if finances have worsened.
Ok, here and now, I'll say it.
I want my own penis - I have wanted to have one attached to me since I was three years old and noticed it was missing. I don't feel right without it. I CAN'T feel right without it. I have NEVER felt right without it. This is why I began transitioning; and only one thing will make me feel right: having my own flesh-and-blood penis hanging in the correct spot between my legs. I don't have to be able to reproduce - there's too many people crowding the planet already - but I do have to have the correct anatomy. Otherwise, I will always feel something is wrong, something is missing - because it IS.
I have wrestled with this for some time now - as I said, since I was three. If the feeling hasn't changed by now, it isn't going to go away. Not until I actually have a real penis of my own down there. Something real, that I can feel when touched. So I can sate the sexual impulses the T is causing without suffering gender disphoria. Like I said, wearing a "packer" helps some; but it still isn't right.
Now, if I can bring myself to say all of this to my gender therapist........... maybe she can help me find a way to get the surgery done.
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