survival or suppression? (warning, trigger alert)

I have lived through many awful things in life, from a young child sexual abuse and violence were the norm for me. For many years I thought it was normal to just live on when someone wronged me or my family. I didn't know how to stand up, I feared the repercussions of my actions. I was brought up getting hit, beat and ignored. I was to be silent all the time. This caused me to grow up controlled by an unreasonable fear.... of everyone.
 
As an adult I would try to step out of my shell and it would never take long and something horrible would happen. Each time, I would just take a deep breath and roll forward, being a single mom I had responsibilities. No time to fuss about it, just keep moving. I would soon forget that anything happened. I was beginning to wonder how I made it through things, people would ask me how I was still functioning. I could never answer them fully because I had no idea. All I knew was I was still going, I could still laugh and enjoy the little things. Deep down inside however, when behind closed doors.... I was screaming. I couldn't stand to be alone, when I was I would keep myself distracted with whatever I could. I knew I was not ok, but there was nothing I could do about it. So I thought.
 
Part two
 
Let me elaborate a bit on what I have experienced, please note that I have not opening spoken about any of this until recently with a psychologist:
Witnessed the rape of my sister... 3yrs old
witnessed the beating of my mother... 0-13
Alcoholic step father, violent in nature, constant yelling and fighting with his son...8-13
sexually abused by my step brother...8-11
sexually abused by my sister and her bf...11
mother moved away and left me alone...16
Assisted the apprehension of my sister’s children due to massive neglect (she was addicted to cocaine and heroin) ...17
father of my first two children was abusive verbally and physically, was having an affair...16-18
Father of my second two children was abusive mentally and physically, was also having several affairs at once...22-25
Raped by best friend of four years and two of her male friends...23
Traumatic events involving my youngest son times two (too complicated to write out) ...24
Ran from above x for fear of life after major threat was made...25
knee injury.... had to move in with my mom and her husband for help...26
Had suspicion of something not right with my mother’s husband, moved in with new bf...28
My daughter came forward that my mothers husband had been sexually abusing her...30
became homeless the first time...31
separated from husband due to his mental abuse...32
abusive bf mentally, monetarily...33-35
ex attempted to kill me after leaving him...35
homeless the second time...35
lost job...35
homeless the third time...37
planned my suicide...38
 
In and around these things there were smaller things. Everything from dealing with court on several occasions to trouble keeping a job. Not being able to stay in a relationship, to pushing people out of my life. I did not want to live anymore once I hit my early 20s but I knew my kids needed their mother, so I kept moving forward. I struggled with a drug addiction in my teens but stopped when I found out I was pregnant. I tell my oldest son often that he saved my life. I began to think I was a survivor, someone who just bounced back from bad things, but man oh man was I wrong. I sought help now and then, but many doctors did not take me seriously. I was told throughout my life that I was manic depressive, suffered seasonal effective disorder, was ADD, was depressed, had anxiety. Each time someone would tell me things it was from a single conversation. I began to research each of them, only to see there was no way I had a few of them.
Finally, I snapped...literally.
It started with bad dreams, random in nature but incredibly vivid, shortly after I started having trouble sleeping. I was smelling odd things randomly, like fish, cotton candy and worst of all rotting flesh. This happens randomly. I started hearing a whisper in my head, mumbling randomly, total nonsense. I began to get jumpy, at the smallest sound, and sometimes for no reason. One not so wonderful day the voice became a scream....and I bolted to the hospital...I knew something was not right. I was medicated that day with something to help me sleep, and something to ease the anxiety. Recently after a strong push, mental health testing was done...I now await the results.
 
In the past couple of years, I have been dealing with my children growing up. The oldest gone away for college, my middle son leaving home to be with his paternal grandmother. My daughter left home and returned, now 5 months pregnant and moving out with her soon to be fiancé. Just my youngest son left to care for, and him being 15, does not need a whole lot of that. I have had time, time to think and reflect. Time for my brain to kick into time to deal with crap mode. I was hit with an overwhelming entourage of painful memories and repressed feelings. I went from tough supermom to a broken down super tired woman.
All those years I was treading water, head sinking under more than once but always bobbed back up, now as I tread I feel tired, so dam tired, I feel like I am ready to just sink, my arms weak from constant battle to stay afloat. I did ok for a while with the new meds but recently the dreams have returned and I am having trouble falling asleep. I wake up kicking my legs or taking quick deep breaths. I indeed made it through many years of horrible things, I made it to today, but now as I sit and reflect I wonder to myself...how much longer can I keep going.
 
Every day is a different experience now, I never know what to expect. Today for example, I had a little energy so I cleaned the house...first time I did a thorough job in months, but now I am tired and numb. Other days I am lost in my own mind; I live in daydreams all day. Some days I am just done with the world, internally bitter but outwardly moving about my day quietly. I constantly battle my own thoughts of giving up, of ending it all, of not being needed or wanted, of worthlessness and being stupid. It's a tough go but I get through every day, still breathing. I rarely smile now and when I do it is to keep the mask on, the last thing I want is sympathy, or worse case judgement. People just don’t have a clue what I battle every day, I don’t care for them to know either. At least I didn’t…now that I realize the extent of my issues, I feel it is important to talk to people, to see how many others go through what I do day in and day out. I am now reaching out. I am now talking, and discovering many others that are doing the same. Even though I feel so terrible alone and abandoned, I know there are others out there…. I do not suffer alone….