Surgery... Again...
I have lost my battle with my shoulder. Hurt it back in 2013 in the middle east. In 2018, I had numerous surgeries to fix a broken heart along with high voltage electroshock. Each time I went in my heart got worse. Inbetween surgeries that I was promised each time this will work, I ended up in the ER, ICU for days and in an ambulance. Now, I have to trust them again. I have had enough of the pain for years... constant pain... loss of motion. Surgeries are a source of depression and anxiety for me. My last stay overnight in the ICU was not pretty and I have ended up with an attitude that I am "done". Any interaction just upset me to no end as I was trying to relieve my depression and anxiety. I just had enough of modern medicine.
I do not want to go thru this. Again I have to undergo surgery and the long weeks of recovery. When do I get to normal? Everyone else around me is normal, but I keep getting sick and never feel well. It is always one step out of my reach. I know that this will never stop and I will continue to going back and forth to some hospital. I'm tired of this depression. You know, I have been in the ICU so much I created an ICU Music playlist.
So suggestions on the depression and anxiety?
Note: all my overnight stays (21 days in four months) have been in the full ICU. The PCU (step-down unit) was not available as the personnel was sent on a deployment either with MERCY or OCO (Other Contingency Operation). All cardiac patients went there.
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I've had 31 surgeries in the last 20 years. I have Kidney Disease, Liver Disease, Chronic Kidney Stones, a Seizure Disorder, Cluster Migraines, Peripheral Nephropathy, Lung Atecliosis, Asthma, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Degenerative Cartilage Disease and Advanced Osteoarthritis and I'm a MRSA Carrier. Oh yeah and the BiPolar. My body is crap and I have no removal parts left except a lung that doesn't work all that great most of the time anyway.
I'm in the ER several times a month, every month for one Flare of something or another....and since I'm a MRSA carrier I generally get the same room with the infectious disease control protocols, I know all the nurses and ER Doc's by name and have known them as they come and go for the last 20 years.
When you have Chronic Illnesses that you have to deal with constantly, at some point you have to accept the fact that part of your life is dealing with those Illnesses. I'm in and out of the hospital throughout the year and have been since I was 17. My Illnesses and Diseases are Progressive, so they just get worse and they aren't curable. I've had to learn to accept them as part of my life, and learn to work with them and around them in my life so that I can function as normally as possible. Otherwise it's like swimming in a river upstream...a constant struggle and you get absolutely nowhere.
I don't get depressed about the medical stuff anymore because I've learned to accept it as "my life" and therefore it's not a big deal, it's what it is. I know my limits, I know my "triggers" for flares and cross-contaminants that make medication side effects worse. For me educating myself on my Illnesses and how to live the best with them, helps me be the best me, mentally and physically.
Thanks. So a little blue language here...You are more @#@#$ that I am. So one I was the ICU and the nurse came to check in on, and after looking at my cart, she said: "you are one screwed cookie". I liked that it, and it gave me a smile in the ICU.
I am sorry you are in and out of the ER. I just despise the place as it always leads to incarnation (hospitalization or commitment). All medical just annoy and frustrate me. They never deliver what they say that can. And I am tired of being naked to just about every employee at Portsmouth Naval Hospital. Thank you for giving perspective and yes, I need to shut up as I am a whiny little @@#$.
LOL...I have the most "crapass" body of anyone I've ever met....but I have a great mind...so it gets me thru. And I had enough hell rained down on me from birth to 15, when I got the hell out, to make me tough as nails and teach me nothing but "survival".
I'm also one of those people who knew what I had in front of me...so I purposely moved from one of the best hospital networks, The Medical Center in Houston, TX, when I got all it had to offer, to a better Hospital MECA, that focuses more on my issues and cutting edge Research. I live smack dab between Duke University and the University of NC hospital systems, so I'm blessed with Awesome Hospitals that make your stays as positive as they possibly can...that helps quite a bit.
Whiney doesn't bother me, surgery is not fun and it's not easy. I guess I'm just used to it, I've got about 5 more years reprieve and it starts back up again....hopefully you don't have to get too used to it to!
OlderCPer - Sorry. I was stressed out. Not feeling well (going back down again) and the new job was getting to me, along with being separated from my wife. I am the only one from my company there, and the situation is rather complicated. Navigating the politics of the Spec For people, and the Sec Def's office has not been easy. It's like coming into a movie halfway through. I put out an email on Monday only to get sort of slapped around by my boss. There is so much info that I do not have from instructions, emails, and history. I am starting to get there, but I still feel very inadequate.
I've been stressed out from the job, where I am living, selling a house, and buying a home. It has unbalanced me quite a bit. I do not have the resilience that I once had. I lost it along the way, medical, the career, and my wife. I am in a sorry state; I hope I can come out of this.
Sorry to hear about the harsh life and medical issues. You have marshaled some awe-inspiring medical resources. We may not be the very best in certain areas, but overall, I think it is the best. You have a resilience that is encouraging keep going. It is good that you live here in America. It may not be perfect, but overall, it is the best. North Carolina is a beautiful place to live, but very expensive. I would have loved to have retired there. Also, you have lived a life unscripted, mine has been so scripted then it all went off the rails, and I was left with nothing. So admiration to you for surviving and finding a way forward.
Again, I am sorry. I was too quick to temper.
Sorry, anger on the last sentence, not temper.