Sunshine.... even a tiny bit

So I saw my therapist today. Last night I was actually suicidal and had the urge to cut *so* bad. So I called her, and she told me to take a shower, listen to some music and go for a walk. It helped a lot. She said I need to get out of bed when I'm like that and get my mind to focus on other things. She told me I should go to the hospital until I told her it doesn't help me. The one I normally go to, if you tell them you are feeling suicidal, they just tell you to sit where they can see you. They don't even have someone sit and talk to you. I just sleep all day until I'm sick and tired of being there and fake smiles so they let me go. I come home and I'm worse than I was when I went in. The only time it helped me was when I was having a psychotic break and needed a new antipsychotic. I'm NOT saying that if you are suicidal to not go to the hospital. You need to go. I just go in before I get too suicidal, so I'm not in that bad of a place. If you are suicidal, GO TO THE ER! I can't stress that enough. 
Therapy today went okay... we were talking about the whole boundaries thing. She says I do all the work and he gets everything he wants. That's one of the reasons why I'm going to go to the bank tomorrow and pull out money so I can get a FitBit (a pedometer that counts steps, calories and mileage). It's $60, but if we don't go out to eat a lot then I can afford it. My main goal for August is to not go out to eat more than once a week. This way I have money for it. I don't spend money on myself... all my discretionary income goes to fast food. I'm an addict.
Speaking of that, I did something (to me) incredible! Wendy's is my favorite fast food place, and after therapy Geo wanted to get some food, and he chose there. The drive-thru was packed, and he has trouble getting in and out of the car, so I went in. He said I could get something if I wanted, but I was good and didn't get a thing for me! I'm hoping I can get to the point where I can't eat that stuff anymore.