sunday nov 28,2010 i am sad again

i dont know wht lately asspecially have been waking up in mornig or whenever, and i have such a heavy heart, dont know how im holding it up. im so sad and melincally, i feel so old. i wish i would have taken better care when younger. going to be 50 next yr in feb. guess its time for the old midlife, i hope crisis. unfortunatly, i have no money for a crisis. i mostly am sad. i wish i could cry, havnt for many yrs. if i could cry nd get some of this poisen out, maybe i might feel better. i am not a cryer, used to be, but used them all up. have my forcefield up so i dont get too bakly hurt. i realy want to feel something besides pain and sadness. i see my family cry and then they feel better at leaste a litle. i want to cry so bad, just cant get it started. i know it sounds funny, but im hurting and i dont know how to make it better. why cant i be normal? i would give anything to feel like i belong or there was a place for me or a purpose. just going threw the motions, not very well i might add. ok, moore later. maybe in better mood.....