sunday nov 13,2010 sooo sad lately

i dont know what is going on  w/ me and my amotions. i have been on the brink of  a big cry for about a week now. i know its a long time comeing. i DONT cry EVER. even at the 2 family funerals i recently went to and i love the people i realy do. ther is something wrong w/ my hard wiring in my brain. i havnt cried one drop in probly 2 yrs. my heart is soo heavy, i can barely hold it up. i know i need a good old fashion cry. im so afraid of letting the water works start. am afraid ill never stop. but lately, ive been getting very sad. and not at anything to do w/me. its stuff i see on tv or a ssd story on tv. what itswrong w/me why cant i just cry allready and get it all out?its also very humiliating when im somewere like a funeral, everyone else is sobbing, and i got nothing. and i realy and truly loved my granny and my uncle. i liked my b.f.s mom, cant say i loved her alot, but i am very sad for him, and still no tears. ever sence i dont know when, im so detached from life. its realy starting to get to me. its like im a robot or something, w/ no feelings exept pain and fear, and of course anger. i need to fix this if i could. i know i put this wall up yrs ago, and now it wont come down. i know alot of my family must think, wow she is a cold fish. but im realy not. i just cant cry , which makes me want to cry so much moore. ok, it was on my mind when i woke so i wanted to write it down right away. ok, that is all for now. moore in a little while. going to get some coffee.....